


Saerans Vlog

by sorasbootay



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: 707 | Luciel Choi's Real Name, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brotherly Love, Depression, F/M, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Spoilers, let saeran be happy, mild mentions of suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-03-20
Packaged: 2019-02-28 05:29:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 24,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13264683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sorasbootay/pseuds/sorasbootay
Summary: The process of healing is hard. Sometimes you need to write down your feelings, or find a way to admit them to yourself. For Saeran, it was vlogging. Rated T for mentions/implications of self harm/suicidal thoughts and swearing





	1. Healing

**Author's Note:**

> Hey hey I havent writen fics in a while so please forgive me if I'm rusty oof ^^' this is also my first mysmes fic! If its kinda ooc lemme know and tell me how I can improve! I love yooran so much TwT but it won't show up for another few chapters lol anyways enjoy~

August 8, 2016  
19:07

The camera turns on slowly, focusing on a red headed man with striped glasses and a goofy smile humming to himself, typing on the keyboard and looking up at the screen, eyes widening, before turning around and looking to his right

"Saeran, the computers working!"

Another boy, identical to the one in front of computer except his hair fades into white halfway down his head, slowly shuffles over beside the first boy, looking confused and slightly irritated. The first boy opens his mouth to speak again,

"Alright so, I know you're gonna hate this, but it would be good for you to just... Film yourself and talk about stuff!"

The glasses wearing boy shifted slightly so the other boy could get a better look, "it would be something to do when I'm out food shopping, and who knows, maybe it'll help you feel less lonely...?"

He trailed off, looking for any response. When he got none he continued,

"I promise to god in heaven I will never look at your vlogs! This is to help you, Saeran, I know its hard some days, but a great person once told me that sometimes even just talking about what's upsetting you can help you feel better!"

The other boys eyebrows furrowed in frustration before he relaxed his face and sighed. He looked over to the nearly identical man,

"okay. I can't say I'll do it, but I can at least consider it, Saeyoung." He spoke softly. The first man wrapped an arm around the second one, although he looked uncomfortable and unhappy, he did not push the first boy away. The first boy stood up and left the view of the camera. A click of a door could be heard in the background.

"God this is so stupid..."

The lone boy spoke to himself, looking straight into the camera, 

"um... Hi." He waved awkwardly, rubbing his arm,

"I'm Saeran Choi... I'm 22 years old and... I live in an underground bunker with my brother. I'm kind of boring and nothing ever happens in my life, not anymore, so... I don't think I'll be-"  
he stopped talking and began to whisper "what did saeyoung call it...?"

Apparently thinking for a few seconds before speaking up again,

"vlogging, as much as he wants me to... But that's just a secret between us" he showed a small smile at the camera before grimacing

"this is stupid."

Was all he said before the camera was turned off and all went to black.

\---------------------------

  
August 30, 2016  
16:12

The camera opens up to the same boy it closed with, him leaning back from the computer with a confused look on his face. His legs were crossed, hands resting on his knees, shoulders hunched up towards himself as he shook slightly, barely enough for the camera to catch, muffled sounds came from outside of the camera range.

"I keep fighting him" he whispered, glancing towards the door as he raised his knees to his chin.

"Saeyoung... Saeyoung made me some food and I just... I can't eat right now. Not something that he made me. He might try to poison me... But he swears there was nothing bad in it. It's... It's hard here. Living with him."

The boy rested his head in his knees as the background noise stopped suddenly.

"I don't trust him at all... He wants me to, seems desperate too, but I just. I can't. I try to stay locked up in my room as much as I can but sometimes his begging to get me out becomes too annoying and I actually do leave, and he looks so conflicted and sad and I..." He inhales sharply,

"oh god I'm making everything worse for him again. He hates me. He hates me so much. He abandoned me for so long and then he just... Waltz's back into my life like nothing ever happened. And I keep trying to hurt him but he just doesn't leave me alone. Can't he see that I don't need him...?"

  
The boy shudders, letting out a quiet sob.

"I hate him. I hate him so much but he doesn't fucking listen"

he grabs at his hair so hard it could be ripped out as he released another shudder. Another sob.

"Why am I doing this..? Why can't I just... Forget. Forget everything?!"

His voice raised slightly but he caught himself, looking panicked as he glanced towards the door he looks back at the camera, scowling at it,

"I hate myself most of all." He seems to admit, uncurling himself and reaching towards the camera. The screen fades to black.

\-------------------

September 3, 2016  
12:30

The camera comes to life, the same boy as before, hair shorter than last time, most of the white hair having been cut off. He looks at the camera and feels his head, frowning as he feels his shorter hair before letting out a soft chuckle and laying onto his back. He stayed like that for multiple minutes before speaking

"I'm not him anymore. I'm my own person again."  
He sits up, legs crossed,  
"my hair will grow back. It grows quickly." He paused, looking conflicted,

"Should I dye it again? Without... Without mint eye I don't have purpose... And that hair was what was connecting me to mint eye..."

He reaches toward his right arm, "no.. I still have this."

He rubs his thumb over his right shoulder and squeezes his eyes shut, "but its gone now. Mint eye is gone and I have no purpose left in the world..."

He blinked as he looked up.

"Saeyoung doesn't understand. He doesn't understand how much that place saved me when he left me... My savi- I mean- R.. Rika saved me from my mother. She showed me all the truths I was too blind to see on my own." He looked back down.

"Saeyoung says that she's bad, V too. And... He... He's right."

The boy put his face in his hands, "I was there for years... And Rika treated me more like a pet than a person but, I believed she cared about me, about everyone at mint eye..."

He rubbed at his eyes

"V was just there, never saying anything, rarely speaking up and going against Rika... He was a total pushover when it came to her... And I thought. I thought Rika hated him. She always treated him like she hated him and I. I was cornered. I didnt have any other option..!"

The boy looked into the camera desperately, "that's... That's why I shot him. But Rika didn't praise me for it. For the one thing I thought I did right. I wanted to shoot myself. I still want to. I don't deserve kindness. I don't deserve Saeyoungs kindness. I killed a man. I'm a murderer. And I don't feel regret for it either. V got what he deserved. He betrayed me."

The red head looked down angrily. He let out a frustrated groan as he wiped away the rest of the tears on his face. He reached toward the camera as he muttered to himself,

"I didn't want to cry. I told myself I wouldn't fuckin-"

  
The screen went black.


	2. Opening Up and MC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote two chapters in one night lol anyways if there are any issues please let me know as this was not preread by anyone else and it was 2am...

Saerans Vlog  
Chapter 2

September 10, 2016  
3:45

The camera opened to a grim looking Saeran. He just sat there, as time ticked on. The digital clock behind him read 3:50AM. The boy was still silent. He took in a deep breath and looked up at the camera,

"Saeyoung said... His girlfriend will be coming over."

He spoke softly, quietly. "She makes me feel weird... During my time at Mint Eye I had done a lot of things to hurt her. I may have gotten her into the RFA and caused... Everything.. To spiral out of control, but I did also try to kidnap her."

He let out a bitter laugh as he looked down, holding his arm,  
"she probably still hates me for that... I wouldn't be surprised if she did... I still hate me for it."

He looked around the room, then past the computer to his wall.  
"I've gotten better around saeyoung... I think... After.. After the fight when he tried to give me food, after I 'vlogged'"  
he lifted his hands for air quotes, putting them down quickly,  
"I left my room and he... He apologized to me. And wouldn't stop apologizing for hours. I.. I don't know why, but I sat down at the couch with him, and I let him talk to me, I let him explain again what happened to me, but this time I actually listened.

"He... He sounded so sincere. It reminded me of when we were kids again and he was promising to never abandon me... To take me with him... And I believed him a bit... I know, I know that Rika was never fully truthful with me and V... He was a scumbag that kept secrets from everyone." Saeran scowled,  
"but... I think I'm okay with Saeyoung for now. Its still hard. Getting out of bed everyday is hard. Why wouldn't it be? But. I want to try. I... I want to prove that I have a purpose again. Even if I think I don't. My therapist said that's all I can do."  
He sighed and turned around to look at the clock on the dresser behind him.

He let out a soft yawn before a knock could be heard off screen and the muffled word's of,  
"Saeran? Are you still awake..?"

Saeran turned around sharply, eyes wide.  
"U-um.. Yeah. Hold on." He stuttered, turning around and reaching to the laptop.

The screen faded to black.

\------------------

September 12, 2016  
23:11

The camera opened

" 11:11, I wish MC would leave"

Saeran sat, hunched in on himself as he fidgeted with his sleeve.

"If you make a wish at 11:11 it comes true right..? Because I hope it does. Saeyoungs girlfriend stayed the night last night... And it was so awkward. She kept being sickeningly sweet to me, always asking me if I needed anything, asking if I was okay." Saeran ran a hand through his hair, "it was fucking infuriating! I don't need people to do shit for me... Saeyoung always asking was enough of a bother and now she's here too? What a joke!"

He spoke bitterly. He shifted a bit in place before speaking again."I snapped at her earlier about it. I told her to leave me alone. She flinched. She's still scared of me. She hates me. She's always going to hate me and I'm going to disappoint saeyoung because I will never be able to talk to his girlfriend.

"Don't even get me started on how they act around each other...! They act so in love all the time its sickening! But... I'm... I'm more comfortable around Saeyoung now. He's wearing me down everyday, making it easier to listen to him and to trust him. I hate it. I don't want to trust him but.. Its better than having no one again."

He looks up to the camera with a wry smile, "well... If I'm only talking to myself on video about this then I still basically have no one, huh?"

He looks down, visibly upset.  
"For all the time that saeyoung leaves me alone, he sure does trust me enough to not run away. I've memorized that 20 digit passcode at this point. I've seen him put it in enough times. And it surprises me too. I could leave. Go somewhere else... Anywhere but this prison... It's better than an actual prison at least."

He sighs.

"It's late, if I stay up anymore, MC may hear me, she stays up so late... Probably to talk to other RFA members..."

  
He reaches towards the computer. Darkness envelops the screen.

\-------------------

September 28, 2016  
13:39

The camera opens to Saeran looking nauseous.

He takes a minute before speaking

"Saeyoung is going to introduce me to all the RFA members. Everyone whos lives I made a living hell."

He leans back until he's laying on the carpet behind him, "I don't think I can do it. There's too many of them. I only just got comfortable around MC, and that's.... That's only a little! I still wouldn't trust her with my life but shes at least more sensible than Saeyoung... Haha... He said it would only be one at a time but what if... What if they all hate me...? What if I have an attack while they're here? What if they think I'm a freak..."

He trailed off. The redhead sat up suddenly.  
"I can't do this. I can't do this"  
his eyes wide and bugged out,  
"but if I don't then people will be disappointed in me. I can't. I can't do that." He muttered, grabbing his head.

"I don't want to do this. I really don't..." He whispered.

"I know Saeyoung would put this off if I really wasn't ready but I really don't want to disappoint him or MC. They.... They're slowly feeling like family. At least Saeyoung is again. He's here whenever I have an attack, and he doesn't leave even if I hurt him or yell at him.... I think I can trust him a bit."

Saeran let his arms go limp as he dropped them. "I'll keep going with the RFA. I'll meet them. But... I'll tell Saeyoung he can't leave me alone with them... MC can't be there either until I.. Trust her..." He sighs and looks toward his door.

"I suppose I should cut this short since I said I wasn't going to be long but. I don't wanna leave." He pulled his knees to his chest again, looking into the camera.

"I'll just stay here a bit longer."

He left the camera on as he rested his head against his legs, closing his eyes shortly after.  
Five minutes passed.  
Knocking was heard off screen.  
A minute passed.  
Saeran breathed softly, laying on the floor, asleep.  
The sound of a door opening could be heard, along with a soft feminine gasp.

"Saeran..?"

The female voice whispered as she came into frame, long hair following behind here as she knelt beside Saeran. He barely stirred. The woman sighed.  
"He must have been more drained than I thought..."

She looked saddened as she gently rest her hand against his arm, careful not to wake him, "I know how hard this is for you, Saeran, but it'll get easier one day, I promise, I'll do everything I can to help you..."

The woman trailed off and looked up, straight into the camera. Her eyes widened in surprise as she looked between Saeran and the laptop. She smiled as she reached over Saeran towards the laptop,

"I'm glad he uses it"  
she whispers before the screen is once again,  
filled with darkness.


	3. RFA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saeran talks about his experiences meeting the rest of the RFA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof I kept getting distracted writing this but hEY the first tinsy little peek at yooran bc saeran is the gay twin™ as always, feedback is always appreciated! If there's anything I can improve, let me know! ^^

September 30, 2017

0:05

Once again, Saeran sat in front of the camera, legs crossed with a frown on his face.

"I don't know how I feel about Zen..." He said, glancing toward his door, then back to the camera, "Saeyoung probably had him introduced to me first because he's... Friendly... But I think he's too friendly." His frown deepened as he stood up, beginning to pace around his room as he muttered to himself.

"Zen is nice but he keeps asking me questions that I can't answer without... Without having a panic attack." He reached his hands into his hair, rubbing roughly at his head, "and thst happened like three times!" He exclaimed, careful not to raise his voice too loud, "he asked me about my eyes and why they don't match Saeyoung's eyes." He pulled his hands from his head and put his face in them instead, groaning lowly.

He stopped pacing suddenly, looking at his door in a paralyzed fear, standing there for a minute before turning back to the camera and walking towards it, kneeling in front with his hand out and-   
It was off

\---------------------

November 2, 2016  
19:56

Saeran pulled back from the camera, shuffling so he sat on his knees instead, hands curled into balls on his lap. Every few seconds, he would glance to his right, but he only looked down into his lap afterwards.

"MC came over today with Jaehee." He started, clenching at the fabric of his pants, "it wasn't horrible. At least Jaehee is better than Zen. She gives me space when I need it and didn't ask me any questions other than stuff like..." He breathed in, voice taking a slightly higher voice for impersonation, ""oh hello Saeran, how was your day?" "Did you eat yet" "would you like some coffee?"" He cleared his voice afterwards, coughing slightly into his hand.

"Anyways... Jaehee's nice. I think she's okay to be around. But I um..." He glanced to his door worryingly, "I kinda just bolted from everyone. I'm not good around a lot of people. I don't... I don't want them to see me like this I guess." He mumbled, looking down to his right as his left hand went up to rub at his neck. "I'm getting better around MC cause she's learning my boundaries but. Its still hard." He managed a small amused smile, but it faded quickly. "They probably think I'm a freak for just leaving for no reason. But I needed to get out. But I don't know why. I wasnt in danger." He sighed.

"I'm tired so... I guess... Bye?" Saeran looked confused, most likely at himself, before reaching forward and turning the camera off.

\--------------------

November 9, 2016  
20:45

A sigh

"It was a long week."

Saeran sat in front of the camera, legs crossed, arm resting on it as he held his head in his hand.

"Saeyoung brought over Jumin yesterday and that was one of the most draining visits I've had so far." He sighed, "Jumin is..." He paused, "kinda a prick" he snorted at himself. "He was kinda okay though. He made sure to at least keep Saeyoung in line."

Saerans gaze fell, a frown appearing. "I don't know how much longer I can keep this up... Every day keeps getting harder and I never want to leave my room." He lets his hand fall, "sometimes... I think that it might be better to just end it all. I've done nothing but hurt people my entire life, I've made people see me was worthless, I've had people abandon me, leave me for no reason." His eyes quickly glanced to his door, "and I just feel like such... Such a burden. I don't deserve a good, happy, life. I deserve less than a speck of dust on the floor."

Saeran rubbed at his eyes before continuing, "I know Saeyoung said that I can tell him when I'm sad, when I need help, or anything but I just. I can't. He's going to see me as the weak younger twin and then kick me out." He pulled his legs to his chest, wrapping his arms around them and grabbing onto his sleeves, "even MC looks so uncomfortable around me sometimes. I don't think she likes me at all. It makes sense too. I keep ruining peoples lives just by existing." Slight shakes could be caught by the camera.

"god I'm so stupid I'm so awful I'm so bad I'm just going to hurt people again." He clutched his hair, not seeming to hear a knock from the left.

"I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this-"

The door squeaked as it opened, Saerans head lifting up, tear streaks visable on his face as he started to unravel and move back, looking angry towards the person who entered.

"get OUT" he yelled, scrambling to his feet and going off to the right of the screen.

"Saeran-" the identical twin boy started, coming into frame and reaching towards him.

"No! Stop! Get away from me!" Saeran continued to scream off camera. Saeyoung didn't stop however, crossing the screen until he reached Saeran. The sound of clothes rustling could be heard.

"Saeran, it's okay. I'm here. It's okay." Saeyoungs voice carried over as sobs could be heard. Slowly both boys entered the frame again, Saeyoung lowering them to the floor as he held onto Saeran, running his fingers through his hair.

"I can hurt you" Saeran muttered weakly.

"You won't though." Saeyoung reasoned, "you're better than that now. You're above that Saeran."

"I still can" Saeran shot back.

"I don't care. I'll still be here." Saeyoung let a sad smile cross his face.  
Saeran let out a large sob.

The camera stayed on for an hour. The boys sitting in silence minus Saerans sounds of crying until he calmed down and pulled himself from his brothers arms.

"I-" he started, cut off by Saeyoung pressing a finger to his lips.

"Nope~" The glasses wearing boy smiled,  
"You have nothing to be sorry for Saeran, I'm the one who will always be sorry."

Saeran blinked at him, not saying anything else, just nodding. Saeyoung hummed for a second, "Want to stay in my room with me tonight? MC is out with Yoosung tonight." He asked. Saeran looked down, nodding again.

"Yeah. Okay." He muttered, "you go first, I need to change." He stood, followed by Saeyoung making a noise of acknowledgement before turning around. The sound of a door closing could be heard. Saeran rubbed at his face before turning towards his dresser.

"Yoosung, huh..." He whispered, "I haven't met him yet."

As if suddenly being shocked, Saeran jumped and turned around, looking directly at the camera. "Oh god." He walked towards the camera, "god I can't believe I had an attack while vlogging of all times" he groaned, reaching toward the camera. The screen went black.

\--------------------

November 11, 2016  
4:29

"I met Rika's cousin yesterday. He's Yoosung" Saeran spoke immediately after turning off the camera, "he's... Hes not like her at all. I don't know why I was expecting him to be like her, but, he's not." His eyes were wide in shock as he stared past the camera to the wall, "he's... Really nice. He doesn't ask me any questions, at least not ones that would be bad, and he kept offering me things. He seems kinda like a puppy." Saeran smirks, "eager to please everyone, hard to hurt for long before he comes back."

Saerans smirk fell back into a neutral position, "when I was in mint eye, Rika told me about Yoosung once, that he was really annoying, that she constantly had to put on a certain mask just to talk to him but... I don't think he's annoying." Saeran sighed, "he... He asked if he could hug me when he was leaving and I could see Saeyoung look like he was going to push Yoosung away but I-" Saeran swallowed, "I said yes. I don't know why I did. But he gave me a loose hug. It made me feel safe, honestly. Like he would let me go whenever I was uncomfortable." A small amount of pink showed on the top of Saerans cheekbones and he covered his face with a small groan.

"He was really soft. He has a really comforting presence." He admitted, glancing through his fingers at the camera, "I still can't talk to people very well but, I think he got that, cause he talked enough for five people" he snorted, "that kid... He's good. I wouldn't mind hanging around him again." He let his hands down, a soft smile on his face.

The smile fell as he continued, "but um. He doesn't know about anything that happened with me. Well I guess he knows enough to be careful with me but... He doesn't know about Rika. He... He mentioned her. It was very brief, but it was something about his past that Rika helped him with or something. And I just. Froze. I couldn't do anything for ten minutes. Saeyoung noticed and took me to the kitchen, said it was to grab snacks, and he just let me sit down til I was better." Saeran turned behind him towards the digital clock. 4:40AM it read in bright red letters. He turned back to the camera.

"I don't think I'll be able to tell Yoosung about Rika. Not now at least." He spoke with determination in his voice. He yawned before continuing, "okay, time to go back to bed I think."   
He reached toward the camera.  
It was off.


	4. Yoosung

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saeran talks about Yoosung

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> does Saeran Choi is gay??? Yes  
> Also fun fact nov. 15 is my bday and I don't like my bday oops sorry u gotta suffer on my bday Saeran

  
November 13, 2016  
15:09

"Saeyoung took me out for ice cream with him and MC today" Saeran said after turning on the camera, a joyful smile on his face, "it was the first time I've left in a while, and it was really nice." He pushed some of his grown out hair behind his ear as his smile turned soft, "the sky was really pretty. I didn't have any attacks today, and I got to have some strawberry ice cream. It was a pretty good day." He let out a light chuckle under his breath.

"Saeyoung demanded Honey Buddha Chip flavored ice cream and the worker looked so confused and scared, it was hilarious." He looked to the camera, eyes filled with mirth. "I hope I can go out again soon." He coughed into his hand, clearing his throat, "but um... I don't know if I wanna go with Saeyoung."

He fiddled with his fingers, "Saeyoung said that Yoosung is going to come over again soon to play games I think? I... I want to try, but I don't know if that's allowed..." He trailed off, "I'm not really bad at a lot of games but Yoosung is Saeyoungs friend. Not mine." He sighed, "I'll probably just do my usual thing and just awkwardly sit far away from them as they do stuff so I don't get in their way" he showed a sad smile before a muffled yell could be heard from outside the door.

"Yoosung?" He questioned, "he's here early." Saerans face turned neutral as he leaned forward to turn off the camera.

\--------------------

November 13, 2016

22:37

Saeran ran a hand through his hair, looking tiredly at the camera, "so Yoosungs yelling was due to Saeyoung not letting him in for ten minutes?" He said, slightly confused, "but his visit was pretty nice. He went home half an hour ago and I had to help Saeyoung clean up the living room after. For people that played games for like... 6 and a half hours, they make a huge mess." He let his hand down.

"Yoosung was really nice to me again. He offered to play a round of this one fighting game with me while Saeyoung went to the bathroom. I played with Saeyoung a lot before so I chose my best guy, and I won." He looked proud before frowning slightly, "and when I won, Yoosung looked really upset and I thought I did something wrong. I should've let him win, right...? He's the guest so..." He rubbed at one of his temples, "I apologized and he looked at me like I grew a third head." He put his face into his hands as he groaned, "he said it was okay but then I just felt worse for being awkward." He fell onto his back, exhaling roughly from the contact as he looked up to the ceiling.

"He hugged me again before he left. He asked again and that made me feel... Needed? I don't know the feeling that well but... I said yes again." He waved his arms in the air, "why do I keep saying yes?!" He exclaimed in wonder, not raising his voice however, "I barely even let Saeyoung or MC touch me, but this is the second time in a week!" He let his arms drop, "but... This time the hug wasn't very loose. It felt protective. Not a bad protective. But like he would protect me. It felt kinda like Saeyoungs hugs when I have an episode but... It was different. It was a really nice hug." He paused, "he's a good hugger."

He sat up with a yawn, "it's weird. I should be the most uncomfortable around Yoosung because of Rika but... He's... Really easy to be comfortable around. He doesn't feel threatening at all." A sleepy smile formed on his face before reaching toward the camera, "today was a good day." He turned it off.

\--------------------  
November 15, 2016  
21:07

"Today was a bad day"

Saeran grimaced at the ground. "Zen came over again. He was visiting with MC while Saeyoung was out for a bit. I was planning to avoid him for most of the day, or at least ignore him, but I ran into him in the kitchen." Saeran sat with his legs crossed, left arm clutching his right arm, "he asked more questions. I know he didn't mean harm by them but... This guys seriously has no fucking filters." He growled slightly.

"Back in Mint Eye I could've ruined his life in four keystrokes, maybe three. If I did then maybe he wouldn't as things like 'oh Saeran, tell me about yourself, what were your parents like?' 'I've been thinking about getting a tattoo, have you thought of getting one?' 'Your eyes are such a cool color! Are they contacts?'" Saerans fist tighted into himself. "I know he doesn't know, but Jesus fucking Christ he needs to learn some filters."

"Not only that but he's super narcissistic! He kept trying to show me his selfies and I was so sick of it. MC told me that you get used to it eventually but... Eventually isn't right now." He frowned, curling his legs toward himself and resting his head on his knees. "I had an episode today too, MC tried to help me but she didn't know how so she called Saeyoung home. I felt like such an idiot. I can't do anything without him again, I'm still just the stupid and weak twin I've always been." He wrapped his arms around his knees. "Will I ever get better...?" He mumbled, "I don't know if I'll ever be able to be an independant person again. I'm relying too heavily on Saeyoung..." He buried his face in his knees, "he should just kick me out already. I know I'm just being a burden."

A ding came from the computer.

Saeran looked up, face devoid of emotion as he reached forward to fiddle with the computer, a slow smile forming as he let out a quiet giggle.

"Yoosung made me get a Skype so that I can text him since I don't feel... Okay giving out my phone number. He sent me a dog meme." He snorted, "of course, Yoosung is the one to send a dog meme." He uncurls himself and loud typing can be heard for a few seconds, halting after. Saeran pulled back to look at the camera with a confused expression.

"I feel a bit better now. Why?" He looked back to the screen, "Yoosung makes people smile I think. He's contagious. His smile at least. And his icon is him smiling. And that's a cute dog. His smile is cute too." A soft smile appears on his face, frowning immediately afterward as the top of his cheekbones dusted a light pink.

"What the fuck." He deadpanned. "That was fucking gay." He looked down, eyes wide in shock, "Wait. No." He looked back to the screen. "No." A tap-

The camera was off.


	5. Interruptions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saeran keeps getting interrupted during his vlogs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh trigger warning for this chapter there's some self harm and angry swearing but for the self harm theres no weapons or anything so. I don't know how to explain oof. Anyways tread with caution around vlog 3 for this chapter.  
> As always, feedback is always appreciated if you have any tips for how to improve!

November 16, 2016  
18:15

The camera opened to a pensive looking Saeran. "I tried to talk to Saeyoung today about what I was thinking yesterday and he just started yelling. Not a bad yelling but more like... Suprised screaming?" He furrowed his brows in confusion, "so I've decided to pretend it never happened and to ignore Yoosung because I don't understand these feelings. Saeyoung was teasing me for it too. So they're probably bad." His lips pressed into a thin line.

"MC asked me about the vlogs earlier and... I didn't know how to react. I told her I was doing it and she looked really happy I think..." He sighed, looking to the door, "I don't even know why I keep doing these. They aren't helping me at all... But... Its nice I guess... To just talk to nothing but still talk to someone...?" He trailed off, rubbing a hand against his neck, "that doesn't make sense. My thoughts arent making sense recently." He groaned as he ruffled his hair, "maybe this vlogging thing is messing with me..."

A knock on the door.

"Come in." He says, expressionless, not sparing a second glance at the camera.

"Hey Saeran, supper's ready." MC walks into the frame, looking at him with a smile. Saeran nods, glancing toward the camera and MC's eyes follow, "oh, are you vlogging right now?" She asked, eyes filled with wonder. Saeran flushed at that.

"U-Um..." He paused before sighing, "yeah. I am." He rubbed at one of his arms. MC grinned.

"Well then, hello Saerans Vlog!" She waved at the camera before looking back at Saeran, "next time someone comes over you should let them into your vlog!" She suggested, hands going behind her back, "then when you feel lonely you can look back at it and remember that someone was with you." She smiled sweetly as Saeran got to his feet.

"Uh... Maybe." He replied apprehensively.

"It could be fun! You never know until you try!" She giggled, "anyways come get food whenever you feel up to it, I won't keep you from your vlog." She turned around, humming as she left the room, a click of a door could be heard.

Saeran let out a loud sigh before turning back towards his computer. "Should I really invite more people into the vlogs..?" He wondered out loud. He let out a resigned sigh before reaching out and turning off the camera.

\--------------------

November 18, 2016  
13:20

"Jaehee is over right now to visit MC and I'm hiding in my room, like a weirdo" Saeran was resting on his stomach , head resting on his crossed arms. "Saeyoung and MC keep inviting people over so that I get used to being around people, but honestly I just feel kinda... Suffocated." He didn't look up, "I wanna go on a walk again." He admitted, "I wonder if Yoosung would go with me." He mumbled, eyes flying open immediately in shock.

"No. Nope. I told myself I wouldn't do this. Nope." He sat up, keeping his arms crossed. "I've known him for a total of a WEEK. I'm not allowed to feel things." He pouted. "I should ask Jumin how he manages to stop feeling things." Saeran rubs at his arm, "I'm not mentally stable enough yet. Yoosung would never like me anyways. Not even as a friend." He rubbed at his eyes. "God this is so exhausting... How does Saeyoung manage to deal with all these feelings?" He groans, kneeling instead of sitting straight up.

A knock came from the door

"Who is it?" Saeran asked, moving his laptop top down slightly, the camera only seeing his legs.

"It's me, Jaehee. Can I come inside?" Jaehee asked.

"Um. Sure." Saeran replied. The sound of the door opening could be heard, black pants and socked feet entering the camera frame.

"MC and I were going to go to a café and I wanted to see if you would be interested in joining as well." Jaehee offered. Saeran shifted slightly.

"Are you sure...?" He questioned hesitantly.

"Yes. If you don't want to come that's okay, we can always bring you back something." Jaehee replied.

Silence held for a few seconds.

"Okay." Saeran said, "but um. Can I ask you something...?" He mumbled under his breath.

A brief silence before, "of course, what can I help you with?" Jaehee responded, voice happy.

"Um... Is it... Is it weird to want to be closer to someone you've known for a week..?" He asked shyly, legs moving to stand up.

"No. Wanting to be closer to people is perfectly natural Saeran." Jaehee's soft reply was met with silence before her feet turned around as she spoke again, "well, we'll be waiting for you at the door. Come when you're ready." Her legs left the frame.

Saeran stood for a few more seconds before exhaling heavily, "wow that sure was helpful." He whispered, lifting the laptop top, the camera catching his confused expression before it was off.

\--------------------

November 19, 2016  
10:00

The camera opened to Saeran looking panicked

"Yoosung is here right now." He whispered to the camera, "I told him I wasn't feeling too well so he left me alone but... He looked really sad." Saeran tilted his head back as he grabbed his hair letting out a low groan, "I don't know how long I can avoid him for because every inch of my fucking body is screaming at me to be near him!" He roughly rubbed his hands against his scalp, "I can't keep doing this."

He breathes rapidly, "I need to get out but I can't leave without supervision but I need air."

He stands up, continuing to rough up his hair as he paced around his room, continuing to mutter to himself, barely audible to the camera. This continued for a few minutes, Saeran switching from pacing to sitting again.

"I refuse to get feelings at all. No. I can't. I can't do feelings. Not for him. Fuck that. No." He continued to spit out a string of curses, "its fucking stupid god damnit. Shit why do I get attached so easily?" He asked himself, but no answer came, "Just because Rika was my life doesnt mean I can just switch that to her fucking cousin. I can't keep a secret that big with me for my entire life. He's going to know eventually and he can't be close to me then because then he'll just leave me again." He lowered his head.

A knock came, followed by the sound of a door opening, "hey Saeran, Saeyoung wanted me to let you know that-" the voice stopped as Saeran lifted his head, his expression changing to one of complete despair. "O-Oh um... Saeran are you okay..?" The voice asked.

Saeran stayed shocked as he blinked, the camera picking up a tear running down his cheek. He started moving again as he breathed, "Yoosung... Just go." He whispered harshly, brows furrowing in anger.

Silence.

"Should I... Get Saeyoung...?" Yoosung asked, his voice having hints of fear in it.

Saeran let out a low growl, "Do whatever the fuck you want just get out." He spat out becore turning around and clutching at his hair again, looking hard enough like it would fall out. More tears were caught on camera. "Just get the fuck out Yoosung, leave me alone. I'm not going to be easy for you to play pretend with. I don't need that stupid fake friendship. Just fucking leave."

The silence lasted a couple of seconds.

"I... Okay. I'll be online later... If you want to talk about it, Saeran..." Yoosung trailed off, "I don't want to be your friend for fake though, you know... I think you're a really nice person..." He hesitated, "I'll leave then..." light footsteps faded from the room.

Saeran let out a choked sob, curling in on himself. "Jesus fuck I'm so fucking stupid I'm so stupid what the fuck why would I say that to him" Saeran hissed at himself, pulling back the sleeves of one of his shirts, stratching roughly at the pale skin underneath with the nails on the other hand while he continued to mutter angrily at himself, inaudible to the camera. Red marks followed by white scratch marks soon became visable to the camera. Another scratch. The skin ripped slightly, a bead of red trying to pop out.

Footsteps came into the room, followed by a soft gasp. Saeyoung entered the frame, kneeling to the right of Saeran before pulling his arm away.

"Saeran! Stop!" He pleaded, fighting against the arm as it tried to go back.

"No. Fuck off. This is what I deserve." Saeran tried to pull his arm back but failed. Letting it go limp instead as he pulled his legs closer to himself, shaking with sobs.

Saeyoung could only pull Saeran against him, gently grabbing his left arm and looking at it. He frowned before letting it fall back to its owner. "Saeran, can you tell me what happened?" He asked cautiously.

Saeran inhaled sharply, "I... I was beginning to have an episode but Yoosung walked in and I just... I told him to leave. I told him to fuck off. I told him I-I didn't need his fake friendship." He let out a heavy sob, "God I'm such a fucking idiot!" He yelled at himself. Saeyoung winced slightly from the noise level, looking around before noticing the computer. His lips formed into a tight line.

"Saeran, you aren't bad for saying that. He understands that you didn't mean it. He left a little while ago and said he didn't want you to get anymore upset. He's a nice kid." Saeyoung rubbed his brothers back, "he won't hold it against you, okay?"

Saeran let out another sob, "but if he hated me it would be so much easier to not deal with these fucking emotions" he lifted his head slightly, "I can't deal with this. Not now." He tried to wipe at his eyes before his scratched left arm caught his attention. He looked ashamed.

"Well. First, lets turn off your computer and then go clean up, okay..?" Saeyoung offered, moving one of his arms to push his glasses back to their designated resting place. Saeran nodded and began to stand. Saeyoung followed suit as Saeran reached forward.  
The screen turned black.


	6. Apology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saeran apologizes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm tryna push out so many chapters rn cause school starts tomorrow and I won't have time to upload then oof anyways I kinda have an idea for where I want this to go so pray that I can write faster lolol

November 22, 2016  
1:19

Saeran sat, looking down into his lap, eyes nearly lifeless.

"I... I still haven't called Yoosung. I'm scared that he'll get angry at me. I know hes not the type of person that would do that but... He's still going to ask if I'm okay." Saeran rubbed his eye as he yawned, "how do I tell him I've been really attached to just the thought of him having a large role in my life? And that it's causing issues for me because I don't know how feelings work..?" Saeran groaned.

"God I'm a fucking mess." He let out a sad laugh. "Saeyoung made me stop vlogging for a few days so I could spend more time with him... I know he just wanted to keep an eye on me though." His arms crossed, "but it wasn't all bad. He took me out for a walk again and we went to the park. The sky looked kinda grey and gloomy but the air was nice. I think it rained before we went out."

Saeran looked down at his left arm, "I... I haven't done anything to my arm since the last vlog but I keep thinking about it. But I shouldn't do that because my forearm is harder to hide than my bicep" he showed a wry smile, "and I don't need people to ask about that too." He returned his arm to the crossed position. "But. With everything that's happened, I feel like I haven't really made any progress... Like at the push of a button I'll be back to square one. And that scares me."

His thumb gently stroked his arm, "Saeyoung suggested that I talk to my therapist about going on medication. But I don't want the help of medication to become mentally sound but... If there's something really wrong with me then I don't know how much of a choice I have."

Saeran rubbed at his eyes again, followed by a yawn, "I think I'm going to try to sleep away my problems, because that seems easier than facing them right now." He sighed.

He reached forward and turned off the camera.

\--------------------

November 23, 2016  
20:45

"I'm going to call Yoosung." Saeran held his phone in his right hand, "He hasn't been over since I basically kicked him out and I feel really bad." He sighed, fidgeting with his phone.

"What if... What if he gets angry at me... And tells me he will never come back...?" He hesitated, staring at his phone as his breathing picked up. He shook his head, breathing becoming forcibly even. "No. I don't care what the consequences are anymore. I have to do this."

He clicked on his phone and took a deep breath before tapping on his screen and holding it up to his ear. He played with the edge of his sweater as he looked worried. A few seconds passed. A ringing sound came loud from his phone.

His eyes widened. The sound of ringing was gone. A muffled voice. "U-Um. Yeah. Hi. I'm okay." He murmured back to his phone as he clutched at his pants instead of his shirt. A few seconds passed. "I... I wanted to call to say I'm sorry for freaking out at you like that." A pause, "n-no! No I... I didn't mean any of it I'm sorry." He looked down in shame. A silence passed and he perked up slightly.

"Yeah..? Are you sure it's okay..?" He questioned. A pause. "O-oh. Um. Okay. Thank you, I guess...? Sorry I don't know what to do really..." He trailed off awkwardly. His eyes searched the room as he spoke absentmindly, "would you like to go on a walk with me?" He asked eyes widening before slapping a hand on his mouth looking angry at himself. After a reply from Yoosung he lowered his hand. "You're okay with it? That's... That's good." A small smile showed on his face. "Just come over whenever you're ready and I'll be waiting at the door." He paused, covering his mouth to stifle a giggle at something Yoosung had said. "Okay. Bye. See you soon."

He hung up and put his phone down. He exhaled lightly before looking to the camera. "Well that went better than I expected" he stood up, going over to his dresser, "what I didnt expect was to slip up and ask him to go on a walk with me." He groaned, pulling out a new set of clothes and resting them on his bed.

"Well... I guess I gotta get dressed and get ready to go out." He sighed, reaching over to the computer to turn it off.

\--------------------

November 25, 2016  
0:09

"Saeyoung let me have the R.F.A. messenger app." Saeran looked down at his hand where his phone lay. "It feels weird being an active member in something that I used to have to hack into..." He trailed off, tapping at the screen, "right now Yoosung is talking about going off to play LOLOL and I think Zen is trying to stop him..? I'm not really talking much but its nice to just be in the group I think. No one reacted badly to me joining either." He smiled.

"Yoosung was so happy he spammed emojis I think. Same with Saeyoung. Jumin and Jaehee weren't in the chat room when I joined but they welcomed me later when I wasn't online. No one has reacted poorly so far and I'm really happy about that, honestly." He glanced to the camera before looking back to his phone and typing a bit more. A short reply.

"I'm siding with Yoosung on this one because it's Friday. He can stay up late today I think. It wouldn't be too bad." He reasoned. A few more taps, " Zen backed down finally." He let a small chuckle escape his lips, "they're pretty funny when they aren't in person, honestly. Well. They're funny in person too but it's more or less just awkward." He shrugged a shoulder before looking at the clock behind him.

"I should go to bed. This conversation is gonna be over soon I think anyways since Yoosung just left to go play LOLOL." He sighed, typing out a final reply before turning off his phone. "I hope... Things keep up like this for a while. Its nice right now." He admitted. "I'm still... Freaked out over whatever these feelings I have for Yoosung are but I can repress them. I won't acknowledge them." He rubbed at his face.

"It's not good to repress feelings, I know, I can already hear MC lecturing me about it, but it's easier like this for now. I'll acknowledge them when I'm ready." He nods sightly in determination before reaching forward and turning off the computer.


	7. Going out and Staying In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saeran goes out for dinner and Yoosung comes over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School is starting so ill have slower uploading times ;_; please bear with me until I can write the next chapter

November 27, 2016  
19:07

"So apparently we're hosting the R.F.A. Christmas party this year." Saeran said, unamused as he twirled a strand of hair around his finger. It was back to the length it was originally before he had cut it. "And the new years party. Saeyoung said its because everyone wanted me there with them but wanted me to be in a comfortable place." He dropped his hand. "I'm... Grateful for it, honestly. I don't know how well I would do around a bunch of people I barely know in a different place."

He leaned back on his arms, "besides, if I get too uncomfortable then I can always come back to my room and just chill out and vlog probably." He muttered to himself. "I'm kind of excited to see how things go." He smiled lightly.

"Yoosung asked to come over later this week and I said yes, even though I still want to avoid him." He groaned, "I have to be around him for the Christmas and new years party anyways so I guess I should just suck it up and get used to hiding my feelings around him." He ran a hand through his hair, "it shouldn't be too hard... Right..?" He wondered.

His phone pinged with a notification and he picked it up from on his bed.

"Yoosung texted me asking me if I wanted to go out to supper with him and Zen..." Saeran looked down. "I'm not sure if I'm okay with Zen there but its better than being alone with Yoosung..." He trailed off. Then sighed. "I need to ask Saeyoung first." He blew at some of his bangs in frustration, "god, he's my brother not my fucking guardian. And I'm the same age as him too? I don't wanna be treated like a kid anymore." He frowned, typing back a quick reply.

He got up, leaving the frame and then leaving his room.

One minute passed.

Five minutes.

Seven minutes until Saeran came back into his room, the sound of the door closing softly behind him as he entered back into the frame.

"He said I can go out." He sighed, running a hand through his hair, "guess I should get ready..." He turned toward the camera, reaching and shutting it off.

\-------------------

November 28, 2017  
0:012

"I don't think I wanna go out in public with Zen again." Saeran admitted, taking off his jacket as he sat down on the floor. "He ordered too many drinks and we had to make him take a cab home which left me and yoosung alone, bussing."

He sighed heavily, "even before Zen got drunk he kept making weird comments whenever Yoosung did a tiny thing for me like offering to take my coat or even telling off Zen when he was going to start asking questions." He fell on his back, "I'm happy Yoosung was there to ward him off but it just got uncomfortable. Yoosung let me sit beside him so it was just is facing Zen. At least I got out. And the food was nice."

Saeran sat up again, flattening out his hair, "I got home like 10 minutes ago because Zen wanted to stay at the restaurant for an extra hour just to drink and then it took a while to get home. Yoosungs stop was apparently after mine but... I've looked up his college before and it's in the opposite direction." His brows furrowed, "why would he go the other way from his school to go home...?" He groaned.

"Anyways, Yoosung talked to me about LOLOL today and I guess he convinced me to play a bit with him when he comes over later this week. I will have no idea what to do for this. I've never played an MMORPG before... Never really wanted to..." He looked towards his computer, "I guess I'll have to look up videos tonight for tips and tricks just so I don't seem like a total loser."

He snorted, "I'm gonna be playing LOLOL... I think I'm gonna look lame anyways if it's something that Saeyoung does." He paused, "better not say anything like that around Yoosung." He sighed, running a hand through his hair as he looked around his room.

"Anyways, if I go out for dinner again, Zen if on the blacklist of people to go with. I know he means well but... I can't deal with him now." Saeran affirmed.

"It's late. I'm drained. Goodnight" Saeran smiled tiredly as he reached forward and turned off the camera.

\--------------------

November 30, 2016  
13:20

"Yoosung is gonna come come over today. MC I should bring my vlog out to the living room and let him in." Saeran sat in a different environment. He sat on a couch with a white wall behind him, the edge of a coffee table in view at the bottom. Saeran looked uncomfortable as he fidgeted on the couch, fingers tapping on his thigh. "Yoosung should be here any minute. Then I'll show him the vlog and then we'll play LOLOL and nothing will happen."

Almost right after he said that, the doorbell started ringing repeatedly, making Saeran jump, scrambling off the couch and off frame. The sound of a pin being inputted could be heard along with the sound of a door opening.

"Maaaaannn Saeyoung needs to change that security system! I don't carry an Arabic dictionary around with me or anything, even then I don't know their sentence structure!" Yoosung groaned loudly as his voice got closer to the computer.

"Yeah... I, uh, I'll talk to him about it." Saeran replied as he sat back in his place on the couch. Yoosung entered frame slowly after, looking directly at the camera.

"Um. Saeran. Are you filming us?" He asked, leaning closer to the camera, purple eyes filled with wonder slightly hidden by his pinned back blond bangs, before looking back to the redhead who's face became flushed.

"Uh... Yeah. It's for my vlog. MC suggested it. Sorry. If it's weird I'll just turn it off now." Saerans hand began to reach for the camera before Yoosung shook his head dismissively.

"No no! It's okay! I didn't know you vlogged!" He exclaimed happily, smiling over at the camera widely, "hey there, Saerans Vlog, I'm Yoosung Kim!" He gave a small wave. Behind him, Saeran could be seen with his flush worsening, staring at Yoosung with slight shock before turning his head.

"No one watches them except for me... So you don't need to introduce yourself..." Saeran trailed off. Yoosung pulled back with a shrug.

"Well I did it so there's no going back now." He reasoned with a smile,"vlogging is so cool honestly, I always watch people that vlog on metube. Sometimes they're super hilarious." Yoosung laughed at himself, sliding off his backpack to the floor. "What do you usually talk about?" He asked innocently.

Saeran paused before replying, "um... Stuff. Feelings." He clarified, looking embarrassed and uncomfortable. Yoosungs mouth opened in realization, gaping like a fish before he looked down at his bag and cleared his throat.

"so, um, what do you want to do first?" He asked, arms resting between his thighs as he looked up to Saeran. Saeran stared at him and then blinked before looking forwards.

"U-Um. You're the guest so you can choose first." Saeran replied, rubbing his left arm. Yoosung groaned and pulled a bag from under his feet, pulling out a laptop.

"Well... We can play LOLOL if you want but that means that you'll have to stop vlogging." Yoosung offered with a sad smile. Saeran shook his head.

"No it's okay. I've been looking forward to playing all day." He admits, widening his eyes as he adds on, "uh... Sort of. I'm looking forward to trying something new. Yeah." Yoosung raised an eyebrow before shrugging.

Saeran inhaled deeply before reaching forward and turning off the camera.


	8. Saeran, That's Gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saeran is pretty gay and he needs a lot of help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE WEEK IS OVER I CAN WRITE AGAIN and uhhh this chapter is longer than previous ones?? So enjoy haha

December 3, 2016  
12:00

"Yoosung keeps coming over to play games and its kind of driving me insane." Saeran sighed heavily as he paced around the room, "it's hard to hide... Whatever this feeling is if he keeps coming over and showing me those way too bright smiles and looking at me like he can only see the good in me..." He ran his hands down his face, "god... This kid is turning me into a mess..." He sits down in front of the camera.

"To be honest I want to ask him to go on a walk with me but its cold out and he'll probably say no because he would rather be inside and warm than outside and cold with a freak show like me" he sighed heavily as he fell on his back and turned onto his stomach.

"MC told he that she thinks I have butterflies in my stomach because of how I'm acting but I don't eat butterflies. MC is stupid if she thinks I do." He got up and faced the camera again with a grimace. "They probably don't even taste like butter... Just the dark despair of bitterness." He trailed off.

"I'm in a weird mood today. Yoosung is coming over again in an hour and its making me feel... Nervous? But also excited. More scared than anything else." He explained, running a hand in his hair, " it's weird... I've never gotten this much attatched to someone in such a short time and lately... I can only think about Yoosung. What he's doing, where he is... If he's happy... It's getting harder to go through my day without staring off into space to think about him. It's an issue." He looked down, "I should talk to my therapist about this and try to make sense of it."

He shifted where he sat, "I... I've been lying to her lately. She keeps asking me how I'm doing and I say I'm getting better but sometimes I really don't feel like it." Saeran looks back up, "some days have gotten really bad... I had an attack yesterday and... My arm is completely fucked up..." He clutches onto his left arm, "the voices keep trying to get to me, all those words whispered into my ear at mint eye... They haunt me in my sleep. They... They used to bother me but I'm used to them now."

He rubs his face, " it sometimes its still hard. I have dreams of Saeyoung abandoning me again. I have dreams where I shot V and Rika was proud of me... And didn't have a breakdown... I have dreams where I..." He squeezes his eyes shut and gulps loudly, "where I hurt Yoosung. Where he comes to Mint Eye with Saeyoung instead of MC and I... I blind his one eye. He screams. Another one where I kept him as a hostage, a... A play thing where if he sleeps, I blow up Rika's apartment with MC inside..." He clutches at his head in pain.

"The worst nightmare... Was where I came to get him from his dorm room... And he willingly went to Mint Eye with me... Because he wanted to see Rika. Because everyone was just... A robot." Saeran shuddered visibly, "it was... It was terrifying. Because he looked so lifeless." He breathed heavily, "I... I can't keep talking about this. I need to make sure everything is okay when Yoosung gets here. I need to fix myself." He mutters, glancing at the clock behind him before looking back to the camera.

"Okay. I can do this. I can't do this but I can try to believe I can." He says with a sad smile before reaching forward and turning off the camera.

\-------------------

December 5, 2016  
18:30

"God I can't take this any longer."

Saeran groans as he lays back and rubs his face. "Yoosung is cute. I admit it. He needs to stop smiling at me and offering me hugs because I take those hugs and he's just. So warm. And comforting." He pauses "he's like a tiny fluffy blond cloud." He sits up with a pout on his face as he hears a knock on his door, "come in" he says as the door can be heard swinging open.

"Hey there, how's my favorite brother doing~?" Saeyoung walks onto the screen as he plops down beside Saeran with two cans of PhD. Pepper in his hands and offers one to Saeran, taking a quick glance at the camera.

Saeran takes the fizzy drink and opens it, taking a sip before he replies, "one, I'm your only brother-"

"Makes you the favorite~"

Saeran rolls his eyes, "uh-huh. Two, I'm uh... Having issues again." Saeyoung raises his eyebrows as he freezes mid-drink, putting it down as he suddenly looks serious.

"Are you okay..? What's going on?" He asks, worry clear in his voice. Saeran purses his lips as he looks down.

"I think Yoosung is cute."

Saeyoung blinks. Once. Twice. He bursts out laughing. Saeran goes a bright shade of pink as the twin with glasses tries to speak through giggles, "Saeran- hahaha- oh my gohahad." It takes him a few more seconds to calm down before he breathes in heavily, he puts a hand on Saerans shoulder and looks him in the eye with a smile on his face.

"Saeran, that's fucking gay."

Saeran groaned and pushed away his brother, cheeks becoming a shade of red, "yeah, I get that!" He raises his voice back, turning around from him and pouting. Saeyoung laughs again, softer this time, as Saeran continues, "this is serious Saeyoung. I keep getting weird feelings around him and I hate it. They feel weird and like I'm going to barf because of so much anxiety over saying the wrong thing." Saeyoungs laughter dies down quickly as he stares into his brothers eyes.

"I would say... Let them happen." Saeyoung offers, a small smile on his face as his voice takes a serious tone, "it hurts more when you like someone but you constantly push them away because you feel like you'll hurt them." He sighs, "god knows it hurt me." Saeran looked down at his brothers words, letting him continue, "sure, if you aren't ready right now, don't force it! You're new to these things so it'll take some time, yeah, but once you figured everything out and think you're ready to take a leap, attach a bungee cord." He offered, Saeran lifting an eyebrow at the last part as Saeyoung shrugged.

Saeran looked back down, seeming apprehensive, "yeah... I guess so... But what if I'm never ready...? What if I want it so badly but I never become good enough for him...?" He trailed off looking upset. Saeyoung frowned, wrapping an arm around his brother and pulling him into his shoulder.

"Well... If I see the way he looks at you, I think that he thinks you're more than enough for him." Saeyoung reached down and grabbed his drink, taking a quick sip before putting it back down, "but..." He began, "if you do want to do... Something... With Yoosung, he needs to know about what happened with Mint Eye." Saeyoung explained, expression darkening slightly and Saerans eyes widened and he pushed away.

"I-I-I can't do that, he'll hate me. He loves her so much I can't take that from him..." Saeran stutters out, looking slightly panicked as he reached for his left arm. Saeyoung looked down and grabbed Saeran's right wrist before it could reach.

"If you want, I can do it. Then he'll blame me instead of you for keeping it from him. But I don't think he can hate anyone, trust me." He offered a small smile as Saeran looked over to him. Saeran let out a shaky sigh and nodded. "But uh... For now we can get your mind off of things by watching T.V. or making dinner?" He suggested.

Saeran sighed, "lets make some food and then watch T.V... Being gay drains you out." He groans, catching a snort from Saeyoung as he stands with his drink in hand.

He leaves the room first as Saeran grabs his own drink as well, looking up into the camera with a sigh, "Can't believe I'm fucking gay." He says as he reaches forward and turns off the camera.

\---------------------

December 7, 2016  
20:27

Saeran took a seat in front of the camera, fiddling with his sleeve, "I've been really paranoid all day. I haven't left my room since I woke up... I think MC tried to check on me but I just kept quiet and I didn't talk to anyone..." He muttered, looking down, "its been a bad day. I haven't been able to think clearly and if... If there's anything that triggers me slightly I think... I might have an episode. I don't want that to happen today." He grips onto his head. His phone dings and he looks over to his bed, slowly reaching out and grabbing it. The sound of it unlocking could be heard. Saeran stared at the screen for a few seconds before turning it back off and putting it down.

"Yoosung asked me if I was okay. He said that Saeyoung told him that I haven't left my room all day." He paused, "I'm not going to reply. I can't.... I can't face Yoosung right now. I can't talk to him. What if I slip up and tell him about Rika...?" He trails off. Saeran swallows loudly.

"I have to do it. I need to be the person who tells Yoosung about it. Before I do anything about these feelings, I need to tell him. Then I'll know if he'll hate me..." Saeran sighs.

"Tomorrow. I'll tell him tomorrow." He decides, wrapping his arms around himself as his face turns pale. He sits still for a few minutes before grabbing his phone and typing something out quickly. A ping comes back quickly, Saeran breathed shakily. "I asked him to come over tomorrow. He said okay." He dropped his phone again as he curls his legs to his chest and rests his head in his lap, "I'm going to need backup from Saeyoung..." He trailed off, face contorting into disgust as he mutters "I'm going to vomit." Saeran stands up and runs to the left and leaves his room.

Voices could be heard from outside the door, too muffled to make out anything. One minute passed. Five minutes. Ten minutes passed before the voices were more audible as Saeran staggered back into his room. MC could be seen following behind him.

"Saeran are you okay...? What's going on?" She asked in concern as Saeran sat on the edge of his bed. MC sat beside him on his left. Saeran pulled his legs up to himself and curled into himself. He leaned slightly towards the older girl and she wrapped her arms around him.

Silence for a few seconds.

"I'm going to tell Yoosung about Rika anf Mint Eye tomorrow." He whispered. MC's eyes widened behind her bangs.

"Saeran are you sure?" She asked, "If you aren't ready, you don't have to say anything or explain it to him." She explained as she rubbed one of her hands on his arm. Saeran shook his head.

"He needs to know. It's not right to keep something like this from Yoosung... Especially when..." He trailed off as he slightly pulled away from MC. She let go of him but still kept a hand on his back as she gently rubbed at it.

"Is this... Because of your crush on him..?" She asked curiously. Saeran grimaced as he nodded. MC looked as if she found the secret to the universe. "Saeran... He won't hate you. No matter what. I think he's inable to hate people. He'll be shocked and probably a bit hurt cause we kept it from him for so long, but he'll just need time to process everything. Then he'll be back to the good and happy Yoosung we know." She offered Saeran a small smile.

Saeran looked down at her worriedly. Her smile became comforting as she gave him another hug. Saeran only leaned into it slightly. He gave a slight nod and pulled back.

"Okay..." He replied in a whisper. MC stood from the bed and faced towards him, taking one of his hands.

"It'll be okay, Saeran. We'll always be here for you if you need our help. You can always lean on us." She gives his hand a slight squeeze. Saerans eyes water slightly as he pulls MC towards him for a hug. He eyes widen as she slowly wraps her arms around him.

"Thanks..." He mutters into her shirt before pulling back. "I'm uh... I'm tired. I wanna go to bed." MC nods in understanding before turning around and slowly leaving the room, glancing over her shoulder before she leaves the frame. The sound of the door closing can be heard as Saeran slips onto the floor.

"Well. That was a time." He sighs before he reaches forward and the camera shuts off.


	9. The Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saeran has a secret to share, and Yoosung is ready to listen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it took me so long to get this out,,,, I'm not proud of it at all and I could do better but its taken so long just to get it out and I'm sorry ;;;; I might rewrite this chapter eventually but for now, the long awaited moment is here~

December 8, 2016  
13:24

Saeran sat shaking, arms wrapped around himself for comfort. He inhaled shakily as he looked at the clock behind him. He looked in front of him again, looking into the camera.

"Today is the day. Today is the day I tell Yoosung everything." He spoke softly, looking down, "he should be here soon and I... I don't know if I'm ready for this..." He admits. He puts his left arm down beside him as he taps his fingers on the ground. "I... I'm so scared. I'm scared of how he'll react... I'm scared he's going to hate me..." Saeran lowered his head onto his pulled in knees. He shook slightly as he turned his head to face his door.

"I told him to just come to my room when he gets here.... I've already sent a text to Saeyoung... And hopefully he sees it soon." He sighed heavily, "if not then... I'll have to deal with it alone." He inhaled shakily.

A knock on the door

Saeran gasped lightly, head whipping towards the door and then back to the camera, his hands visable tightening around his arms as he takes in a deep breath.

"Come in" he calls, voice sounding forced. The door opens and closes before Yoosung enters the screen, smiling widely.

"Hey, Saeran!" He sat down beside the red head, taking off his bag and putting it beside him. Yoosung crossed his legs and faced towards Saeran, frowning a little once he saw the red head. "Hey, what's wrong..? Are you okay?" He reached over and put a hand on Saerans shoulder.

Saeran froze at that, releasing his arms from his grip and turning more towards Yoosung. "I... I'm okay." He breathed heavily and a small, reassuring smile showed on his face. Yoosung smiled at that and took his hand off of Saeran's shoulder.

"Maaann~ this week has been so hard..." Yoosung sighed suddenly, looking upwards, "I barely had time to play LOLOL because of all the assignments I got from my teachers" he leaned back on his hands. Saeran stared at him as he continued, "and everything is just so stressful right now so..." Yoosung scratched behind his neck and lookes over to Saeran with a small smile and a barely noticeable flush, "thanks for inviting me over. I needed a break."

Saeran stared at him, eyes becoming glossy in the cameras eye before Saeran tilted his head down.

"I... There's something I need to tell you, Yoosung." He whispered out, making Yoosung jump. Yoosungs flush darkened as he visibly swallowed before nodding.  
"I've... Been keeping something from you and I... I don't want to keep it from you anymore." Saeran admitted.

"I know." Yoosung muttered, Saerans head bolted up to look at the blond, "I know that you guys are keeping something from me. I don't know what it is but... You guys are trying to protect me, right..?" He laughed nervously as Saeran nodded. "If you don't want to tell me it's okay." He added on.

Saeran shook his head, "no... I have to. If... If I keep going like this without telling you, I won't be able to forgive myself." He took in a deep breath as his hands clutched on his pants.

"You know how I was part of an organization called Mint Eye...? And tried to convert the entire RFA to it?"

Yoosung nodded hesitantly.

"And I... Followed someone who I believed to be my savior?" Saerans voice started shaking.

Yoosung reached forward and placed his hand on top of Saerans own thst was clutching at his pants. "I... Knew it was something like that" he offered.

Saeran took in a deep breath and paused.

"My savior was R-Rika" he stuttered, head dropping.

Yoosungs eyes widened in shock as he recoiled away. There was silence for a few seconds.

"What?" He whispered.

"Rika... She was the founder of Mint Eye... She was my Savior... And she. She tried so hard to save everyone and bring them to paradise but she..." Saeran trailed off for a few seconds, "she's the reason I'm like this."

Yoosung sat still for a few minutes, silence washing over both of the boys. A soft sob could be heard but it was unsure from who.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Saeran moved his hands to his face as he shook slightly. "I shouldn't have told you. I'm sorry. You didn't need this. You don't need me ruining things for you. I'm so sorry." He spoke shakily as he curled in on himself. Yoosung barely raised his head to look at him, face overtaken with despair.

"Thanks for having me, Saeran." The blonde spoke quietly before standing on shaky legs, turning around and exiting the frame. The door could be heard opening and closing. Voices could be heard outside the door.

Saerans breathing could be heard getting heavier as he whispered to himself, "I'm such an idiot fuck why did I have to do this fuck, fuck, fuck, shit." He hissed at himself as he started to scratch at his hand.

His door could be heard opening before two figures ran into the room.

"Saeran!" Saeyoung yelled as he kneeled beside his brother and grabbed his arms.

"Oh my god..." MC whispered as she went to the other side of Saeran and wrapped him in her arms.

They all stayed quiet for a while minus Saerans sobs. Saeyoung looked towards the camera and sighed lightly, tearing himself from his brother before reaching towards the camera and turning it off.

\-------------------

December 10, 2016  
9:27

"Yoosung hasn't responded to any of my messages in the past two days and he forgot his bag here..." Saeran spoke dejectedly. He sat in front of the camera with his legs crossed and looking down to his left. "I feel even worse than I did before..." He sighed, "because now Yoosung hates me... And he'll never want to talk to me again and I'll never be able to be happy..." He shook his head slightly. "God... I knew this was going to happen. This was what I wanted." He pulled a leg into his chest.

"It was supposed to be easier when he hated me because these stupid feelings were supposed to go away..." He lowered his forehead onto his knee, "but now it just hurts. It hurts so much because I lost someone who helped me feel better on really bad days... I lost someone who accepted me with open arms without knowing anything about me..." Saeran shuddered, "I lost the only person I've felt this strongly for and its killing me inside..." He trailed off as he looked over to his bed.

"Would it be too much to ask for... For him to just text me back right now...?" He wondered with a sad smile on his face as he reached over and grabbed his cell phone from his bed and turning it on. His face fell. He tapped on the screen lightly. "I opened up the messenger to see if he's on but still no luck. Jaehee and Zen are online though..." Saeran sighed before tapping on his phone again.

".... Of course I come into the chatroom to see them talking about Zen's look- and there's a selfie." Saeran sighed loudly as he pinched the bridge of his nose. He typed out a quick reply. "I told him that he's really narcassistic and he just said that I should get used to it." Saeran rolled his eyes and clicked on the phone again, "not today I don't, fucker." He snorted before putting his phone down beside him as he looked back at the camera.

"So I guess... I'll be back when I get an update from Yoosung..?" He shrugged his shoulders, "I can't focus on anything else right now so... I'm going to go watch dramas." He reached forward and turned off the camera.


	10. Call me up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saeran gets a call from Yoosung. They talk about things. Saeran calls Yoosung.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted this out for valentines day but I got so busy :( uhhh as always my chapter summaries suck!!! But this has some good boys being cute and pure I swear its decent and makes up for the last chapter.

December 15, 2016

9:30

Saeran sat in front of the camera, holding his phone in his hands with a knee curled into his chest, looking dejected off to his right.

"Yoosung hasn't been in the chat room for a while and I'm really worried... MC said that she was able to get ahold of him 5 days ago and he just said that he needed some more time..." Saeran sighed sadly, as he moved his left arm to his head, "god... Why do I do this? Why did I tell him...?" Saeran let himself fall onto his side with a small 'oof' as he looked at his phone again.

"It's ten days until christmas and nine until the party... If Yoosung isn't back by then, I don't know what I'll do..." He spoke softly, trailing off. "He has every right to hate me but... Why does it feel so bad..?" Saeran clutched at his chest, "this is what I wanted. I wanted him to hate me so I would stop feeling things but the feelings won't go away and now it's just pain..." Tears welled up in Saerans eyes. "I... I think I like him. A lot. And not even in a friends way and I hate it so fucking much because now I'll never have a fucking chance with him and fucking. Shit. He hates me so much." Saeran spat out as he curled in on himself.

His face was hidden from the camera after he rolled over, but shaking could be seen from his lithe body. Whispers of curses were barely picked up by the camera.

His phone started to ring, a harp instrumental blasting out. That caused Saeran to jump a bit as he turned back around and grabbed his phone, eyes widening as he picked up, breath catching in his throat.

"Yoosung..." He trailed off, gulping loudly. He took a deep breath in, "I... I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I told you everything I'm sorry I know it must have hurt you so much I'm so-" he stopped abruptly. A silence followed as he looked down, nodding along slightly to whatever Yoosung was saying on the other end.

"I... I still feel bad. You were having such a bad time already and you didn't deserve me telling you something so heavy..." Saeran whispered sadly. Another pause and his lips twitched upwards, "I should be the one comforting you, and yet you're trying to make me feel better for my mistake?" He let out a dry laugh before readjusting his legs so he was sitting with them crossed.

"But... Are you... Feeling better now? Is there anything I can do?" He asked softly. A small pause. Saeran shook his head as he furrowed his brows, "Yoosung you were basically MIA for almost a week. I was... We were really worried." Saeran visibly gulped again as he let Yoosung talk. Half a minute passed before Saeran spoke up again, "well I... I'm here. I'm not good at talking. Or interacting with people. But I can listen. I can answer questions. I can explain stuff. I-If you want." He stuttered a bit at the end, grimacing at himself.

Yoosung spoke again. Saerans face lightened a bit, a small smile on his face.

"Okay. I can do that. Want to meet at the park?" He asked shyly. The answer must have been positive because he smiled a bit, the smile falling right after. "Okay. Um. I have to get dressed and I'll head over there. I'll bring some of Saeyoungs chips for you." A pause, "okay. See you soon. Bye." Saeran took his phone from his ear and clicked the end call button before letting out a deep breath and looking towards the camera.

"He's... He's okay. We're going to go meet up to finish explaining. To just talk about everything. So. I guess I gotta go." Saeran stood up and walked over to the camera, leaned down and turned it off.

  
\--------------------

December 16, 2016

00:03

"So we... We talked a bit more. It took a while and there was... A lot... Of crying." Saeran spoke softly, rubbing at his eyes. "I don't think Yoosung hates me... And I'm really happy about that honestly." Saeran sat with a content smile, arms resting in his lap as his legs were crossed."He um... He took me out to the ice cream shop near my place after we finished talking and then he came over and talked to Saeyoung about it too. He said he'll be okay, but I know its hard for him..." Saeran trailed off.

He took in a deep breath, "he held my hand today. To reassure me that he was okay, and it was really brief but... His hands are smaller than mine." Saeran lifted his right hand to look at it, "and his hands were so soft. They felt like a cloud..." Saeran put his hand down as his face began to flush, "I almost passed out just from that tiny sensation of shocks running through me from his touch and I..." A groan, "I'm way too deep into these feelings."

Saeran rubbed at his eyes, "I can't tell anyone else about it though or else they'll mock me. I rarely even talk to any of the other RFA members outside of the messenger. And its not like I can just go out and make friends because... No." Saeran grimaced. "I guess the vlog will have to do, again." The red head let out a sigh and he tugged on his sweater sleeve. His hand went to his mouth, closing into a fist minus his thumb, and began to bite on it.

"I hate this." He muttered around the skin on his thumb. His hand dropped soon after. "Yoosung tried to convince me that he hates Rika but I know that he just wants to make me happy. She was his role model basically. His hero. It's hard to just suddenly hate your hero if people dont basically beat it into you..." He gulped loudly, "I know that all too well." Saeran sighed.

"It's late. I should go to sleep before I end up overthinking everything... Again" he added on at the end before reaching foreward to turn off the camera.

\--------------------

December 18, 2016  
5:48

"I just woke up" Saeran whispered towards the camera. He let out a long yawn as he rubbed at his eyes.

"I woke up having a panic attack. I think a dream triggered it but I don't know what the dream was about..." Saeran frowned as he looked down, "I think I was hurting people again..." He trailed off. "I think this was... I... I traded MC for Saeyoung and I kept him in the prison cell in Mint Eye." He continued to whisper, "but I just... I kept hurting him." Saeran squeezed his eyes shut roughly, "he just let me do it too. As long as MC was safe. I hated it. I hate it so much. I hate that I still have dreams about if I did something different. If something went slightly different." Saeran clutched at his hair, "I just want this to stop."

He raised to his knees and reached towards the camera, picking something up from beside it, showing it as his phone. He turned it on, the screen light illuminating his face. He tapped loudly for a few seconds before freezing.

"Fuck." He hissed out before tapping once again, clicking the 'speaker' option on the call and putting his phone down as he wrapped his arms around himself.

One ring

Two rings

Three rings

Four ri-

"Uhh... Hello?" The tired voice of Yoosung came from the phones speaker.

Saeran gasped softly as he looked down. He didn't reply as Yoosung spoke again, voice more awake now, "Saeran? Hello? Are you okay?" He asked softly.

Saeran sat there for a moment before responding, "I... Didn't think you would pick up." He admitted quietly.

"Well if you're calling at... Almost 6 in the morning? I'm assuming something's wrong..." Yoosung replied with a small bit of humor in his voice. Saeran stayed quiet for a while before Yoosung spoke up again, "I'm... Not upset if that's what you're scared about?" He offered. Saeran let out a puff of air.

"I..." He trailed off before starting again, "I'm sorry. You were probably having nice dreams... I shouldn't have called." He sigbed. Yoosung laughed on the other end of the line.

"I think I was having a really weird dream. Saeyoung was transported into a cats body, and then suddenly I was the cat? And I walked around trying to find... Food... I think.." He spoke unsurely before continuing, "then someone with shoulder length hair... A person from my Bio class I think? Came and picked me up then we went to a museum together and I was myself again but still not me? Like some weird alternate distorted version of me. And I wasn't with that girl anymore?" Yoosung hummed thoughtfully, "then with no reason why I was in a field looking up at the sky. There were really huge strawberried around me in the field." He laughed through the speaker, "then I woke up when you called so... Not much to miss out on."

Saerans mouth was agape, hand moving to his mouth as soft laughter could be heard, although muffled. Yoosungs soft laughter could be heard through the phone as well. Saeran stopped first and finally replied, "That's one fucked up dream. Still pretty good in my books." He smiled behind his knees. Yoosung finished laughing before be spoke again.

"Speaking of books, I just noticed one of my textbooks on my bed... Augh. Gross. School." He groaned loudly. Saeran muffled another laugh as Yoosung continued, "Damn you, science! You haunt me even in my sleep!" He spoke with fake anger that prompted Saeran to laugh a bit harder.

"Yoosung, oh my god, stop, I'm going to wake up Saeyoung and MC" he whispered with mirth in his voice.

"Sorry, sorry" Yoosung responded with the same amount of joy before quieting down. They stayed silent for a few seconds before Yoosung spoke again, "but um... If you don't want to answer you don't have to but... Are you okay?" He asked.

Saeran stayed quiet for a few seconds. He nodded his head as he picked at some fluff on his sleeping shirt, "yeah... I'm feeling better now... I just had some nightmares and I can't talk to Saeyoung about them..." He added the last part on quietly, hoping to not be heard.

Yoosung stayed quiet on the other end for a few seconds. Saeran scratched lightly at his wrist before Yoosung spoke up, "Dreams are just dreams. Unless you're like Zen, but..." He paused, "dreams can't hurt you. Nightmares only try to hurt you so... Next time you have one try to fight back?" He offered. Saeran scrunched his eyebrows in confusion, "like... Um... I'm bad at this, I'm sorry" Yoosung laughed nervously.

Saeran shook his head, "It's okay. I'm worse than you are. But I think I get what you mean. Its like lucid dreaming, right?" Yoosung hummed in agreement on the other side of the phone. "I... I've tried but I guess my brain just doesn't want to be a part of my dreams?" Saeran let out a huff of frustration.

"That's okay! Sorry, it was probably a stupid suggestion anyways." Yoosung laughed lightly, "um... Do you... Um..." Yoosung trailed off, a loos for words. Saeran chuckled. "You have a nice laugh." Yoosung finally said. Saeran froze. His eyes wide open as he looked at his phone. The light slightly illuminated his face, his cheeks turning pink. A few seconds of silence before Yoosung spoke up again, sounding panicked, "o-oh! Oh my god! I'm so sorry, I... I didn't mean to say that." The last part sounded a bit muffled. Saeran threw his hands into his face.

"It's fine." He mumbled into his hands. He coughed awkwardly as he let his hands down, "you, um... You have a nice laugh too." He admitted quietly. A high pitched "oh!" Was heard from the phone.

"W-Well... Um... That's good to know?" Yoosung answered just as quietly. "U-Uh..." Yoosung trailed off again. Saeran cleared his throat before he spoke up again.

"If you uh... Need to go back to sleep its okay. I should... Do that too." He offered awkwardly as he picked his phone up.

"Ah! Yep! That's a great idea!" Yoosung responded a little too enthusiastically, his voice a littke higher pitched, "well, goodnight... Good morning? Well, anyways, sleep well!" He called out.

"You too, Yoosung." Saeran spoke softly with a small smile on his face before he hit the red button on his phone screen. Saeran stayed blinking in the dim glow from a lamp beside the camera. Saeran groaned as his face flushed up again, hiding his face in his hands.

"Goodnight." He spoke out loud, reaching forward and turning off the camera.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh if y'all wanted to know what Saerans ringtone was: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eh8-BOcwRj4  
> You're welcome ;0


	11. Getting Ready

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saeran has another bad night, and he struggles with upcoming Christmas events

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell I just wanted to get this chapter over with like halfway through ajskskdndnf I'm so excited for the next chapter tho!! I hope y'all like this chapter though~

December 19, 2016  
17:20

"It's a bad day again."

Saeran sighed as he laid on his side facing toward the camera, his red hair splayed out below him. "I don't even know what happened. Something just switched in me and I... Could barely leave my room today. I haven't eaten yet either. I've left my phone on silent." Saeran spoke quietly as his frown increased. "I told Saeyoung it wasn't a good day and I needed to be alone today and he listened for once which was nice I guess..." He trailed off. Saeran turned so he laid on his back, draping an arm over his eyes.

"I should be happy right now, especially since everything is okay right now. But... I just feel so miserable and gross. It sucks even more because the Christmas party is in 3 and a half days? And I don't know if I can be around everyone for that long..." Saeran pouted. He groaned and rubbed at his face angrily. "I should tell my therapist about this when I see her next but its probably nothing and it's stupid and normal and all depressed people deal with this so I'm not fucking special and I just. I don't fucking deserve anything anymore. Saeyoung should just leave me here to rot away. " Saeran snorted, "not like I'll ever do anything good anyways."

His arms dropped back to his sides as he continued to stare upwards. He stayed silent as the camera caught the glisten of something falling from his eye. "I'll never be good enough... Even now, Saeyoung is probably just putting up with me to prove a point to himself that hes not a bad person and I'm just what hes using as proof." Saeran rubbed at his eyes, moving his hair out of the way as he did so. He blinked as he sat up.

"I need to stop thinking like this..." He sighed as he looked at the camera, "I just don't know how to stop... I've been like this for so long I don't know how to get better... Or how things can help me... It's hard..." Saeran stood up with another sigh, he looked around his room before turning around and grabbing a small bag and a mirror from his dresser behind him and sat back down in his usual spot. He placed the mirror in front of him as he opened up the bag beside him.

"There is one thing that makes me happy I guess." He voiced a laugh that sounded forced. He pulled out a small disc shapped container and opened it, pulling out a small sponge with powder flecks on it. He patted it around his face until it was all the same color as the powder. Saeran hummed as he switched the container for a smaller square shaped container, pulling out a small circular brush along with it. He opened up the box and stared at it.

"Do I want to try something new or stick with what I usually do..?" He muttered to himself. "I think I'll do something wild to try to get rid of this gross feeling" he decided. He took the small brush and applied a darker pink color onto it, lightly swiping it across his eyelid. He rubbed it in with the brush before doing the same to the other eye. After the eyeshadow was blended nicely he opened his eye, leaning into his mirror. He hummed lightly before going back to the eyeshadow palette. He used the same brush and used a purple shade this time, putting it on the outer corners of his eyes. He blended it to fade into the hot pink color, brush strokes light.

Saeran put the brush down as he looked into the mirror again. He went back into the eyeshadow box, rubbing his finger in a light pink and putting it on the inner corners of his eyes. He wiped off the extra makeup on his pant leg, reaching back into his makeup bag before pausing.

"I just realized Saeyoung is home right now. And I left my makeup wipes in the bathroom..." He paused, "Fuck." He cursed. As he retracted his hand, "I don't like Saeyoung seeing me with makeup on" he frowned as he replaced the brush and the eyeshadow palette in his bag. Saeran stood up, grabbing the mirror and the bag and turning to put it back on his dresser.

"I have to go wash this off before it gets worse." Saeran sighed as he ran a hand through his hair. He walked towards the camera and leaned down, turning it off.

\--------------------

December 21, 2016  
20:46

"Christmas is in four days." Saeran signed as he looked down at the seemingly new sweater, Christmas decor printed onto the shirt as its design. "MC got me, her, and Saeyoung matching sweaters minus a different main color..." Saeran pulled at a loose thread, "it's kind of disgusting." He chuckled.

"Saeyoung and I never had... The best childhood." Saeran spoke softly, looking down as a hand went to play with his bangs, "that's a total understatement, honestly. We were yelled at for existing. That... Horrible woman who put us into this world treated us like garbage. We never had a good Christmas..." Saeran let out a sad laugh, "I never knew what Christmas even was until we got out of there..." He trailed off. He continued to pick at the white fabric on the sweater, "so... I don't really have many good Christmas experiences to count on to look forward to this year."

Saeran looked towards his door, "we're supposed to decorate the tree together before the Christmas Party on Christmas eve... But I don't know how that will go seeing how MC let Saeyoung pick out some ornaments from the store that he liked." Saeran sighed with a small smile on his face, "so there's definitely going to be some weird ones. I didn't want to pick any out because... In the end they're all going to the same place. It won't make it special." Saeran shrugged nonchalantly.

"I'm supposed to go present shopping tomorrow with Yoosung..." Saeran leaned back on his hands, looking up at the ceiling. "Saeyoung and MC have already done their shopping and got gifts for everyone in the RFA. They signed the presents as 'From all of us' so I didn't have to shop for anyone in the RFA but... Um..." Saeran trailed off in awkwardness as he rubbed the back of his neck, "I wanna get something for Yoosung myself. But I don't know what to get him..." The redhead groaned.

"I could always ask MC what I should get him but I want it to be a surprise..." Saeran sighed heavily, "I don't even know what to get MC and Saeyoung... That's why Yoosung is coming with me. So I can ask his opinion because I..." Saerans mouth clamped shut before he spoke, "yeah. I need him there."

Saeran groaned as he rubbed at his eye, "I guess I should do some research for what Yoosung likes? I have a good idea already but... Its better to be safe than sorry." Saeran shrugged to himself before reaching forwards and turning the camera off.

\-------------------

December 23, 2016

23:30

"I'm going to puke from all of these nerves." Saeran sat curled into a ball as the camera opened, his breathing deep and loud, "the party is in less than 24 hours and I don't know if I can handle this. I haven't been around all of them as a group before and I don't know if I can do this." Saeran spoke hurriedly.

"They aren't intimidating on their own but... Letting so many people into the house all at once is... It's hard. Yoosung, MC, and Saeyoung I can deal with. Its still a small enough group of people and its people I can be around for long periods of time..." He trailed off as he uncurled himself and crossed his legs.

"Speaking of them... I picked out gifts for them all yesterday. I got MC a necklace that I thought would look really good on her. So I hope she likes it." Saeran rubbed the back of his neck, "I got Saeyoung a shirt with a cat joke on it because he's been talking about how he wanted a cat but we can't have one right now so I guess... That this will have to do?" Saeran sighed before twiddling his thumbs together.

"I um... And for Yoosung I got him a card so he could get the new LOLOL expansion pack and um... A small charm bracelet with a star on it." His cheeks flushed slightly, "because his name means shooting star... I don't know. He'll probably think its stupid..." Saeran sighs. "But I'm giving it to him tomorrow since he won't be here on Christmas day. I think he said he's going to his parents for a few days after the party to celebrate with them."

"But um... I guess it'll give me more time to not think about feelings? I can talk to Saeyoung more." Saeran cleared his throat into his hand, "speaking of Saeyoung, he's really excited for this Christmas. He says it'll be his first time seriously celebrating it because he wanted to wait until I was with him." A small smile appeared on Saerans face, "it made me feel really happy when he said that." The smile disappeared soon as he continued, "I never really celebrated Christmas because I was too busy to while I was in mint eye but... I'm kind of excited too." He chuckled.

A ding came from his phone.

Saeran reached into his pants pockets and pulled out the device, humming as he unlocked it.

"Someones talking in the messenger." He announced quietly. He tapped a few more times, "Zen and Yoosung are talking about the party tomorrow." Saeran sighed and put his phone down.

"I dont think I'll be around a lot for the party honestly. I'll stick around as long as I can but then I have to leave before I get too overwhelmed." He spoke. Saeran sighed.

"I should go make sure I'm ready for tomorrow. I'll vlog again before the party I guess...? We'll end up seeing" Saeran frowned a little before reaching forward and turning off the camera.


	12. R.F.A. Christmas Party!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's party time! What will happen on this night of wonders~?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. I meant to get this out sooner but writers block hates me with a passion  
> 2\. longest chapter so far at 4025 words!   
> 3\. I wrote most of this at 1-3am so I'm so sorry for mistakes,,  
> 4\. Saeran is Gay AF™  
> 5\. There WILL be a second part to the party written where Saeran gives Yoosung his gift, but uh. Next chapter. Hopefully. If you guys want that?

December 24, 2016

18:45

The camera opened to Saeran looking paler than he ever had before, he bit at his nails anxiously as he looked towards his door.

"The party starts in 15 minutes and I'm not ready I'm not ready." He clutched at his hair, "god I don't want to do this." He breathed heavily.

"It'll be fine. I'll just. Avoid. People. As much as I can. I know them all already. This won't be any different than being around them before." Saeran clutched at his sweater, another christmas theme, but different than the one he had worn last time. Saeran sat there, breathing. Taking in deep breaths and whispering something inaudible to the camera.

"I'm scared for the party. I haven't been to a party before and I'm not sure how it'll go... What if they judge me...? Realize that I'm awful and getting no progress done on me and just decide to throw me away? What if-"

A knock on his door.

"Saeran! Come on out! People will be arriving soon!" Saeyoungs voice came from the direction of the door.

Saeran inhaled sharply before replying, "okay." In a raised whisper, looking towards the camera and breathing in one last time before reaching forward and shutting it off.

\--------------------

Saeran got up from the floor of his room, flattening out the creases in his shirt as he looked down on it. He thought it was stupid. Saeyoung had bought it for him to match with the older twin. "I've been nice"? Is there a reference that he wasn't getting? Christmas was weird, Saeran thought to himself before walking forwards and opening his door. On the other side stood Saeyoung, hand raised in the air as if he was going to knock again. Saeyoung blinked in surprise before he smiled at Saeran. Saeran took a moment to look at Saeyoung, really look at him. One side of his hair looked like it had been slightly pushed back, at least some amount of taming had been done to it. Saeyoung wore his matching sweater with a white dress shirt underneath it. "I've been naughty", it said in big white letters.

Saeran dragged his eyes back to Saeyoungs face. 'are you ready?' His eyes seemed to say to him. Saeran shrugged nonchalantly and brushed past his brother. A hand caught his wrist and he turned around to face Saeyoung, about to ask what he was doing before being pulled into a tight hug.

"It'll be okay, Saeran. You've already come so far with all of these people, and I'm so proud of you." Saeyoung spoke softly as he rested his chin on Saerans shoulder. Saeran froze, debating shoving him off, he could do it. It would be less awkward. But it was Christmas eve, and... Saeran was getting better now. Saeran nodded in return, arms loosely going around the others torso. They stayed like that for a minute before the older of the two pulled away, smiling like he had been given Elizabeth 3rd, "alright, baby bro! Lets get out there and greet some guests~" Saeyoung practically sang as he walked past Saeran, a skip in his step.

Saeran snorted at his brother before following him into their main living area. As Saeran entered their living room, taking in the decorations and care that had been put into making the place look decent, even a mini snack table with chips, honey budah no doubt, cookies, and other small things, the bell rang to their house. Saeran looked at the digital clock in Saeyoungs office. 7:00pm, on the dot. It must be Jaehee and Jumin. They were always on time. To the exact second.

Mc opened the large gate, letting the two inside. Jaehee smiled when she saw MC, giving her a hug after they exchanged their hellos. Jumin said his hellos as well, handing Saeyoung a bottle of red wine. Saeyoung whistled in awe.

"Damn, this is the really expensive stuff! You really go all out huh?" He spoke teasingly at the corparate heir as he placed the wine on the snack table.

Saeran tuned out after that. It was just mindless chatter. He didn't want to be a part of that. He wasn't good at small talk.

"And how are you, Saeran?"

Oh god.

Saeran looked up to see Jaehee standing in front of him, smiling at him in a polite and friendly way. Saeran hated it. He hated this. He felt awful. He wanted to run into the bathroom and puke his guts out so that he wouldn't have to deal with this.

"I'm fine. Thanks." He replied instead. Jaehee seemed to be fine with that answer and nodded at him in confirmation, moving back to MC.

God

Saeran hated this. He hates big groups of people. This is a big group. More than three is a big group. Four is pushing it. He hated this. Thankfully, no one was paying attention to him, he snuck off towards one of the couches, sitting down and pulling his legs up beside him to lean against the arm rest. Saeran pulled his phone out of his pants pocket. At least he could pass some time on tripter or mumblr... He would never tell anyone he had accounts on those, though.

Saeran zoned out as he scrolled through the endless posts on his feed, not paying attention to the world around him. If they didn't want his attention, he wouldn't give it to them. Besides, he had nothing to say to these people. He barely knows how to hold a conversation with MC. And he practically lived with her.

The bell rang on the door again and Saeran looked up. His heart pounded in his chest. Only two more people had to show up... Yoosung and Zen. They could either arrive together or that was Yoosung or Zen alone... Saerans fingers tightened around his phone at the thought of it being Yoosung. He looked back down at his phone as he saw Saeyoung skip towards the door, inputting the long passcode into the door and hearing it open.

"Zen! Welcome to the party!" Saeyoungs voice cheered out at the guest. Saeran felt himself deflate at the voicing of Zen's name.

It wasn't like he was waiting anxiously for Yoosung so he could give Yoosung his Christmas present.

Of course not.

That would be stupid.

.......

Of course he was, who was he kidding?

He didn't give much thought as he looked up and offered a small wave towards Zen, going back onto his phone afterwards. He wasn't good around Zen still...the man was nice and he does care about his friends but... He tried to be a little bit too involved for Saeran's taste. Plus the fact he talked about himself a lot. Saeran couldn't deal with people like that. But he knew Zen wasn't a bad person.

Just weird.

Saeran furrowed his brows in thought.

Everyone in the RFA was weird, honestly. Himself included. Could he consider himself part of the RFA...? They were all still weird. It was better than everyone being normal, though. It would be boring without them. Saeran wiped the frown from his face before someone noticed and looked back at his phone, continuing to scroll through posts. He felt weight on the couch beside him and he glanced up to see Jumin sitting beside him. His eyes widened for a fraction as he looked around the room, seeing everyone chatting animatedly. Saeran glanced over to see Jumin sipping on a glass of wine. Huh. Okay? Saeran went back on his phone.

He was at 20%. Fuck. He should've charged it before the party.

At least Jumin was quiet. He didn't seem to be the type to make small chatter.

"How are you, Saeran?" The voice beside him asked.

Saeran couldn't believe it. Jumin Han of all people was asking him how he was. The one person he thought he could trust to not make small talk. Just great.

"I'm fine." Saeran replied quietly. He cleared his voice, come on Saeran you can do better than that. "I've been doing better." He said with a bit more force. Jumin nodded at his answer. Saeran put his phone down as he looked towards the older man, "... And... You?" He offered, still trying to keep his voice up.

"Work has been busy. I'm looking forward to relaxing tonight and then going back home to Elizabeth 3rd and spending a beautiful day together tomorrow." A rare smile crossed his face. Saeran wasn't sure wether he should be amazed or terrified.

"Um... Thats good?" He replied, unsure. Jumin hummed in response, the end of their conversation reached.

The bell rang again.

Saerans heart pounded in his chest.

It had to be Yoosung.

Saeran vaguely noticed Jumin leaving the couch as his eyes were glued to the door. MC had left her conversation with Jaehee to answer the door. Oh god was Saeran ready for this? No. He needed more time. He was a mess right now, he looked awful, he wasn't emotionally ready, he needed to leave immediately, he needed-

Yoosung came through the door with a smile so bright the sun would be put to shame. Saeran died little on the inside due to his own comparison. The smile probably wasn't even that wide, but everything that Yoosung did was bright to Saeran. Yoosung muttered his apologies to MC and Saeyoung for arriving late, something about traffic being bad. Saeyoung just wrapped an arm around his neck playfully, exagerating his pain over Yoosung's absence. MC giggled at them before giving Yoosung a quick hug. Saerans stomach lurched angrily at that. He needed to stop. MC did not like Yoosung, Yoosung did not like MC. He had no reason to be jealous... Other than the fact that he was. He was so jealous. He wanted to be able to offer Yoosung a hug and not combust on himself doing so. They haven't hugged a lot in a while. For a few weeks... Right before he told Yoosung about Rika. But that wasn't a big deal or anything... Of course not. Saeran watched as Yoosung stepped back from MC and began to look over the room, saying his hellos to the other RFA members as he did. His eyes finally landed on Saeran and he smiled sweetly at the younger twin. Saeran tried to hold back a flush as he offered a small smile back. He thought he could've seen Yoosung's cheek flush a bit as well, but it was probably the lights playing tricks on him.

Now that Yoosung was here, Saeran felt like the party was going to be okay.

\--------------------

20:26

The party was not going okay.

For some reason, MC and Saeyoung had let Zen go out and buy beer for the party, and he came back with... More than one case, to say the least. Plus, they had gotten the wine from Jumin.

And MC and Saeyoung didn't put a drink limit on anything.

It was chaos.

Zen stood in a corner with Yoosung, arm wrapped around his shoulder in a weird huddle motion as they both looked over at Saeran every few seconds or so. Yoosung's cheeks were flushed pink, wether he was drinking or not, Saeran didn't know. Zen had definately been drinking and he looked a little tipsy. Saeran could see them from his place on the couch, a glass of water and a small plate of snacks on the coffee table in front of him. He could at least eat something while he waited for the nights festivities to end.

Saeran blinked.

Festivities. Festive. Christmas. Christmas tree. Christmas presents. Presents...?

Yoosung's present!

Saeran had almost forgotten!

He glanced over to the two boys in the corner again, accidentally making eye contact with the blond in his thoughts, shifting his eyes away quickly in embarassment. He would have to sneak Yoosung away at some point to give him his gift.

Saeran decided to distract himself from Yoosung for now by taking a look around at the other party-goers. Jumin sat on the full length couch, silently sipping on a glass of wine as he listened to MC talk about something he was unsure about. How many glasses has Jumin had? Saeran was pretty sure that was his fifth... But he seemed to be doing okay? Saeran stopped paying attention to them. He noticed Jaehee standing beside the Christmas tree, looking at all the decorations on it. She held a glass of wine in her hand as well, but she didn't touch it much. Saeran knew she was still on her first drink. She claimed she still had work to finish up after the party so she couldn't drink a lot. Made sense. Saeran moved on from her. He tried to look around for his twin, but couldn't see him anywhere on the party floor. Huh...? Where was Saeyoung? Saeran did another glance over and yep, he couldn't see his idiot brother anywhere.

...

It wasn't like he cared where Saeyoung was. Saeyoung was his own person and Saeran couldn't cling to him forever and count on him as a pillar of support. Nope. Not at all...

But just to make sure he wasn't doing something stupid, either, Saeran decided he should at least go look for him. To make sure he was okay. Yep. Totally didn't feel uneasy without Saeyoung around. He definately wasn't searching him out for comfort. That would be stupid.

Saeran uncurled from himself and stood from the couch, feeling a pair of eyes from the corner watching him as he awkwardly shuffled towards the kitchen. He held his arm for a bit of comfort as he walked, he disliked the feeling of eyes on him.

Right before he left the room fully he heard Zen whisper loudly, "go get 'em, tiger~" in a playful voice, followed by Yoosung squeaking in anger.

Saeran smiled at the noise as he made it out of their main area. He had barely gotten to talk to Yoosung tonight because he was stolen away by Saeyoung and then by MC and now by Zen. Saeran just wanted to talk to the only person he considered a friend... He sighed silently as he finally made it towards the kitchen, seeing Saeyoung leaning against one of their counters, phone out and an open bag of honey buddah chips beside him. Saeyoung glanced up at him with a smile gracing his lips. He glanced behind Saeran quickly before making eye contact again.

"Hey there baby bro, looking for me?" He asked teasingly. Saeran put a frown on his face as he turned towards the fridge, opening it up and looking through it.

"... No. I just wanted an apple." Saeran lied. Saeyoung smiled more as he moved to wrap an arm around the younger Choi.

"Ah, my sweet baby brother, so innocent, so pure!" Saeyoung spoke with dramatics, putting a hand over his chest as he looked up at Saeran. Saeran made eye contact with him as he snorted at that. Saeyoung chuckled, "but really, sorry for disappearing. I just needed a second to clear my head."

Saeran raised a brow at that. What was so important that Saeyoung actually took time to think about? "It's not like you to be nervous. What is it?" Saeran asked out loud before he could stop himself.

Saeyoung beamed as he ruffled Saeran's hair a bit. "Are you worried about me? It's fine. Just a bit of a sensory overload, you know how it goes." Saeyoung shrugged, glancing behind Saeran again, tapping twice on Saerans shoulder. Saeran raised an eyebrow. "a~ny~ways~" the older twin continued in a sing song voice, "feel free to head back to the party, I'll be out in a second." Saeyoung released Saerans shoulder, giving him a pat on the shoulder as he went back to his original position, phone in hand again.

Saeran stared at Saeyoung for a few seconds. Something was fishy. Saeyoung glanced at Saeran again and smiled reassuringly. Saeran squinted at him before sighing and taking a bite of the apple he pulled out. He doesn't even like apples. Saeran put it down on the counter as he turned around, about to leave the kitchen.

He collided into a soft body, sending him stumbling back and the other person flat on their ass.

Saeran furrowed his brows as he rubbed at his nose which got most of the damage, ready to tell off whoever walked into him, when he realized who it was.

Yoosung walked straight into him. Yoosung was on the floor. Groaning in pain. Shit.

"Oh. Shit, sorry. Are you okay, Yoosung?" Saeran spoke, reaching his hand out to help the blond off the floor. Yoosung nodded as he hesitantly grabbed Saeran's hand and helped to pull himself off. He laughed nervously.

"Uh yeah. I'm sorry, too. It was my fault for walking so fast." Yoosung apologized in return, rubbing at his forehead with his cheeks flushed a dark pink. Was he that drunk already?

A whistle came from behind them in the form of Saeyoungs voice. "Hey, lovebirds, take a look above you~" he cheered.

Saeran raised an eyebrow as he looked up. Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit. It was fucking mistletoe. How the fuck did Saeran not notice that when he walked in. He didn't see it there when he came to get water twenty minutes ago. His eyes widened at the realization of who he was stuck under the mistletoe with. Saeran tried to fight down a blush as hard as he could as he moved his head so he could glare at Saeyoung.

"Really?" He questioned, keeping his voice even, trying to sound displeased. He wasn't displeased. He was very happy he had this opportunity. Saeyoung only shrugged at him with a knowing look. Saeran scowled at him, feeling a bit of heat rise to his cheeks.

Saeran turned his head back towards Yoosung whose face was bright red. Yoosung fidgeted with the edge of his blue casual dress shirt in what Saeran assumed was Yoosung being uncomfortable. Saeran felt bad and rubbed at his neck.

"You... Don't have to do this if you don't want to." Saeran offered, looking down at his feet. Part of him wanted Yoosung to say that he didn't want to do it. To reject everything about this. Another part of Saeran, however, desperately wished for Yoosung to say he wanted to. Saeran hadn't thought much about kissing people before, but now that he had the chance to kiss Yoosung, it was all he could think about. Yoosungs lips were probably soft, maybe a little bit chapped but soft nonetheless. Would he press his lips into Saeran's or would it be soft? Would this be his first kiss? Saeran tried to block out his invasive thoughts by hyperfocusing on his shoes.

"I... It's okay. I'm fine with it." Yoosung replied shyly, much to Saeran's surprise. Saeran looked up to see Yoosung smiling at him reassuringly. Saeran gulped, it was finally happening. He was terrified. It must have shown on his face as Yoosung immediately added on, "I-I mean it's not as if we have to get m-married or something after." Followed by an awkward laugh. Saeran took a deep breath and held himself up a little straighter, nodding in return.

"Yeah..." He trailed off looking at Yoosung for a second, "so... How do we do this..?" He asked, embarrassed.

If it was possible, Yoosung's face got more red, "have you never kissed someone?" He inquired. Saeran nodded bashfully. Yoosung stared in awe at him, "o-oh. Well, uh..." Yoosung glanced behind him, reminding Saeran that his brother was in the room as well. Damn, it shouldn't be this hard.

Saeran sighed, "okay. Just. Tell me if I do something wrong." He pleaded before reaching forward and cupping Yoosung's jaw. Saeran had seen enough of MC's dramas to know sort of what to do.

Yoosung inhaled sharply through his nose at the touch, looking up at Saeran. Saeran felt his heartbeat speed up. Oh god, if it went any faster would he have a heart attack? This was painful. Yoosung reached up with his own hand and gently touched Saerans jaw. Oh god oh god his hands are so soft, he was so gentle with his touches oh god. Saeran started to lean in slowly, making eye contact with Yoosung, checking for any hesitation. Yoosung only looked determined and moved in closer as well. Saeran stopped halfway, nodding slightly. Yoosung nodded in return. Well. It was now or never...

Saeran closed his eyes, and the distance between him and Yoosung along with them. In the back of his mind, he noticed that Yoosung had met him halfway, and that filled him with a little bit of hope.

The kiss lasted maybe five seconds maximum but Saeran was already hooked. Yoosung's lips were just as soft as the rest of him. He pressed back into the kiss, but not too hard. It was a nice pressure. Saeran's entire body felt as if it would become jelly if he ever kissed Yoosung again. They both pulled away. Saeran opened his eyes to Yoosung bright red and he was sure that his own face could rival his hair. Saeran dropped his hand from Yoosungs jaw first, Yoosung's hand lingering a second to long before dropping as well.

"Well... I... Um..." Saeran started, still looking into Yoosung's eyes. They were such a nice shade of purple, he noticed. They looked brighter somehow. "I should... Get back to the party." He finally replied. The brightness in Yoosung's eyes faded a bit and Saeran felt a bit guilty.

"Oh! Uh... Yeah. That's where you were heading before, uh..." Yoosung mumbled out, "um. Yep! Have fun! I'll be back in a second!" He finally replied with a smile.

Saeran nodded slightly as he slowly slid past Yoosung, not looking back as a hand went up to cover his mouth. Well. That was. Something. Saeran slowed down. He could sneak away for a bit, he thinks. Saeran turns down another hallway down into their bedrooms area. Saeran needed to talk this out.

He entered his room and immediately went towards the laptop he had set up on his bedside table, opening it and sitting in front of it, moving to open up his camera app so he could record.

He clicked the button.

\--------------------  
December 24, 2016  
21:58

The camera turned on to Saeran looking flushed and embarrassed.

"The party is still going on..." He began as he touched his lips, "but... Something just happened that I need to talk about." He added. "I... I just kissed Yoosung. Yoosung kissed me? We kissed." Saeran whispered.

"It... It wasn't bad. It was really good. I really liked it." Saeran smiled, "I like him." He admitted, "but he... He only kissed me because there was mistletoe there and Saeyoung was probably the one who put it up. Who knows what Saeyoung would have done if either of us refused." Saeran sighed.

"God... I don't know how I'll be able to survive the rest of the party like this. I'm so giddy right now." Saeran smiled again, "I hate it. It feels nice though. It feels positive." Saeran's face went neutral.

He groaned quietly and rubbed at his face, "this isn't like me. I need to get a grip on myself. I need to stop acting like this. It was just one kiss it means nothing and it will never mean anything." He spoke to himself. Saeran took his hands from his face and ran his hands through his hair.

Saeran sighed, dropping his arm into his lap. "I think I should get back to the party now before everyone starts to wonder where I am... I don't want anyone walking into my room tonight..." Saeran sighed again. He smiled slightly as he touched his lips gingerly. He shook his head and put his hand down.

"Be back whenever I guess." Saeran finalized as he reached towards the camera.

And it was off. 


	13. Yoosungs Present

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saeran finally gives Yoosung his present.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I.... Did not mean for there to be angst in this chapter but uH I've been feeling real bad lately irl and I love presenting myself onto fictional characters wow  
> (also my one friend who reads this is really into Zumin so I,, put a little thing in for him)  
> Uh anyways this is sappy and gay and I finished writing at 2:30 am so the end of this chapter kinda sucks so pls forgive me.
> 
> Back to your regular vlogs after this~

December 24, 2016  
22:00

Saeran looked at the laptop he had just turned off. Oh how he wished he could just stay in his room for the rest of the night. Saeyoung would probably allow it, honestly. Saeran could say he was going to bed. He was already pretty drained. But he told himself he would make it through the whole party. Plus... He still had something he needed to do. Saeran sighed as he left his room, gently clicking the door closed as he made his way back to the living room.

"Fuck off! I'm not your cat, asshole!"

Saeran raised an eyebrow as he walked into the living room to... Quite the scene.

Jumin was cuddled up against Zen on the couch, arms tightly wrapped around him. Zen was struggling to push him away, face bright red in anger. Saeran swore he heard Jumin mumble something about Elizabeth 3rd.

...That was his cat, right? Saeran vaguely remembered seeing a picture of the cat in the messenger. Well. He guessed Zen looked like the cat. His hair was almost as white as it was, in fact he was wearing that white jacket of his as well. Saeran wondered in the back of his mind how much Jumin had to drink, but for now was more focused on the scene around him.

He glanced around the room to see his twin recording the whole thing on his phone, MC was taking as many photos as she could. Jaehee... Looked mortified. Saeran was tempted to snort but held back. He finally found Yoosung who was sitting on the other couch, obviously trying to contain his laughter at the two main attractions. They were soon separated after Zen finally managed to push the corporate heir away from him, screaming his distaste about the situation and claiming he had to leave, immediately. Zen stepped out but Saeran had a feeling he would be back sooner or later.

Jaehee looked slightly more relieved as she approached her boss and spoke softly to him, Saeran barely hearing due to his position so far away from them all. He heard something about the assistant calling a driver to take Jumin home and honestly, the less people the better, Saeran thought.

Now that that fiasco has ended, Saeran made his way back to his original spot on the couch, which happened to be right beside Yoosung. Saeran thought back to the kiss they had just shared and forced himself to stay as straight faced as he could. He wasn't going to get gushy about it in front of Yoosung. He noticed Yoosung notice at him and give him a welcoming smile as Saeran sat down. Saeran only nodded back. Damn, maybe he shouldn't have left his room.

Saeran tried to think of something so say to Yoosung. Anything at all. To try to tell him that he wasn't interested in Yoosung like that. Which was the biggest lie he would ever tell (minus every time he's told Saeyoung he's okay, but he doesn't want to think about that now), but it was worth it to protect himself. Thankfully, he didn't have to deal with any awkward conversations as Yoosung had started talking first.

"So, you missed the best thing to ever happen to the RFA." He began, still smiling as he looked over to Saeran. Saeran raised an eyebrow at him, signalling him to continue, "that whole thing with Jumin and Zen!" He explained, "so... I don't think anyone was watching how much Jumin was drinking and uh... He's had a lot." Yoosung looked back over to the C.E.O. who was putting on his long jacket, swaying lightly as he did so. Saeran held back a chuckle at it, instead humming as Yoosung continued, "so I think he started hallucinating Zen as Elizabeth?" Yoosung guessed.

Saeran stared at the college student. He recognized that Yoosung was talking by the way his lips were moving and not stopping, but Saeran had tuned out. He was so tired. But Yoosung was nice to look at while spacing out. He was good at talking. He never expected Saeran to say anything back, which was a plus. Saeran appreciated Yoosung. He hated it. He hated having these feelings. They made him feel weak. Couldn't he just get rid of them? Feelings suck. He subconsciously misses the elixir at Mint Eye, suddenly. That numbed a lot of his feelings after a while. He would like that again. It hurt like hell but-

"-an, Saeran, hey, are you okay?"

Saeran blinked out of his trance and realized he was still staring at Yoosung, but he felt a sharp pain in his arm. He looked down. He saw that he had been clutching his left arm with his right hand... Maybe a little too hard. Saeran let go of his arm, rubbing it slightly. It didn't feel like there was any blood. Maybe it'll just bruise. He looked back to Yoosung.

"Yeah. Sorry." He spoke softly. Saeran rarely apologized for his mannerisms. He felt bad, always, but he just couldn't bring himself to apologize. Was he getting better? He wasn't sure. "Just lost in thought I guess." He added on once Yoosung's look became worrying. He saw Yoosung reach out and squeeze his thigh reassuringly.

"If you want to talk about it, I'll be here." He offered, smiling at him sweetly. God. Saeran couldn't keep this up anymore. Yoosung was going to destroy him. He needed to distract himself.

"Oh look, Jumin's leaving." He blurted monotonely, looking at the door as MC and Saeyoung were giving their farewells to both Jumin and Jaehee. Zen was back in the bunker as well, sulking against the wall while glaring at Jumin. Yoosung looked over as well, his hand leaving Saerans thigh as he offered a wave to the two. Jaehee returned his wave before the two workers left the bunker.

"I hope Jaehee doesn't have to work tonight... That would be sad." Yoosung commented. Saeran nodded slightly. He guessed it would probably suck. He didn't know if Christmas was important to Jaehee but he knew that workers needed a break sometimes... Especially Jaehee. If he can trust what he sees in the messenger, then Jaehee deserves a break. He likes Jaehee, he realizes. Shes nice to him and she doesn't talk a lot to him, but not in the cold way. It's more of a 'talk to me when you're ready' kind of way. He appreciated that.

Saeran turned his attention back to Yoosung as the blond continued to talk.

\--------------------  
23:20

Saeran wondered how he got this far. How he made it to right here, right now. He wondered what he did in his life what made him end up in this situation. Did he say something wrong? Did he say something right? Was him just sitting here enough for this torture to be forced upon him?

These thoughts went through his mind as he was being forced to sit beside Saeyoung as MC took photos of them in their matching sweaters. Saeran refused to smile for the photos. Saeyoung was trying to make him smile by showing him silly faces, by hugging him, by saying weird shit. Saeran could only respond to everything with a raised eyebrow. Saeyoung whined dramatically as he laid back on the couch.

"Oh, woe is me! I can't even make my own brother laugh! I have failed you, baby bro, I can't go on." He whined, hand going to his forehead. Saeran stared blankly at him. Really? He was doing this? Saeran sighed and tried to stand up, but was immediately pulled back down by arms quickly going around his waist. "Nooooo, Saeran! Don't leave me!" Saeyoung whined again. God, he doesn't even drink. Is he on a sugar high?

"Shouldn't I be saying that to you?" Saeran glared down at his twin.

He saw Saeyoung stop. Frozen. What? Saeran backtracked and realized what he had just said. Oh. Oh fuck. Oh god he didn't mean- it was just the first thing that came to mind. He didn't even mean to say it. Saeran looked away in shame. God damnit. He was doing so well tonight.

"Just. Let me go." He whispered as he stood up again, feeling even worse once he realized that Saeyoung had, indeed, let go. Everything was too quiet now. Everyone was looking at him. Fuck. He barely noticed the faces staring at him as he sped back to his room.

Saeran entered his room quickly, closing the door behind him, sliding onto the floor as he rubbed his palms into his eyes. God damnit. He didn't mean to say that at all. He barely remembered thinking it. He guessed he was just so used to snapping back at Saeyoung, to make him suffer like Saeran had, but he didn't want to do that in front of everyone else. He didn't want to say it at all. He wants to take it back. He wants to go back and tell Saeyoung he was sorry.

But a part of him wanted to let Saeyoung sit and suffer with his words.

He deserved it, a voice in Saerans head whispered to him, he deserves to be treated like that. He abandoned you.

Saeran clutched at his head. God damnit. He didn't want this. He knew that Saeyoung didn't mean to abandon him. He was getting so far with his progress. He was doing so well. These thoughts shouldn't be haunting him anymore. He thought he was getting better. He could actually somewhat trust Saeyoung again... And now he's probably made Saeyoung hate him all over again and he was going to kick him out and he was going to leave Saeran again all because Saeran couldn't keep his mouth shut.

Saeran's thoughts stopped at the sound of a soft knock on his door. How long had he been in his room...? Obviously long enough for whoever it was to be concerned. Saeran didn't open the door, only stood up, knocking back once on his door, and crossing his arms as he went to lay down on his bed with his back to the door.

A few seconds passed before the door opened and closed.

"Saeran..."

It was Saeyoung. Of course. He was probably here to tell Saeran that he couldn't live with him anymore, that Saeran couldn't be fixed, that Saeran should just leave.

Saeran squeezed his eyes shut and briefly wondered when they had filled with tears.

"Saeran I..." Saeyoung started again. "I... I'm sorry. I know I say this a lot... And you may not believe me when I say it but I'm sorry. I'll always be sorry that I left you. I regret it every second I'm alive." Saeran heard the padding of his brothers feet as he walked along the carpet. He felt a dip in the bed behind his legs, "I just want you to know that." He finished.

Saeran opened his eyes again, glancing behind him. Saeyoung sat in the crook of his knees, hunched over with his arms resting on his knees. He looked pathetic. All because Saeran said something he didn't mean to. Saeran really was a shitty person if he did this. Saeran looked forward again.

"I know." He whispered out, feeling the bed shift slightly. He assumed Saeyoung jumped at his voice. "I know. I... I don't know why..." Saeran pushed out. Fuck, of all times to be bad at words it was not now. "I didn't... I didn't mean to." He struggled. He squeezed his eyes shut again. God. Why was this so hard? He felt Saeyoungs hand on his thigh, reassuring him that Saeyoung understood. Twin telepathy, Saeran reasoned.

"... I know you didn't mean it... But I just wanted to tell you again. I will never, ever, leave you again." Saeyoung choked out. It sounded like he was crying. Oh god. Saeran blinked a few times.

Saeran looked up to his twin, locking eyes with him finally. He felt something click into place in his mind and suddenly he had thrown himself up at his brother, wrapping his arms around his shoulders. Saeyoung let out a puff of air from the sudden contact, arms automatically wrapping around Saeran. Saeran buried his face into Saeyoungs shoulder as Saeyoung put his head on top of Saerans shoulder.

They stayed like that for a while. Saeran was aware he was still crying as the fabric around his eyes got more wet but Saeyoung must've been crying still too from the shakes in his body. God, they were a mess, Saeran realized.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. I didn't mean to say that and I don't know why I did. I'm sorry." Saeran muttered into Saeyoung's shoulder. Saeyoung only rubbed his hand in circles on his twins back as he shushed him softly.

Saeran knew he was going to be okay. They were going to be okay. Nothing had changed. He was still doing okay.

\--------------------

23:55

It was time.

After he and Saeyoung had hugged, they had both left Saeran's room to assure everyone that they were okay, to go back to playing the punk band game that MC had picked up a few weeks ago. The party went back to normal but everyone seemed tired. Saeran assumed Zen and Yoosung would be leaving soon to go to sleep at home, and MC was already passed out on a couch. Zen looked as if he was struggling to stay awake on the main couch.

Saeran took a deep breath as he stood up from his place on the small sofa, looking towards his brother and Yoosung, who were beside the snacks table, eating the rest of the chips there. Well. Four minutes til christmas. He could do this. Saeran willed himself before he took shaky steps towards the two standing. It didn't take long but for Saeran, he felt hours pass by each step. He was really anxious.

He finally approached the two, getting a smile from his brother which Saeran tried to return, only getting a quirk of his lips out before grabbing his arm.

"Uh... Yoosung, can I talk to you...?" Saeran asked quietly. He saw Yoosungs eyes widen in... Fear? Panic? Anticipation? Saeyoung lightly clapped a hand on Saeran's back with a low whistle. Saeran swatted him off.

"Oh! Um... Yeah! Of course!" Yoosung replied, voice a little higher than normal. Yeah, he was definately nervous, Saeran could tell.

"Okay... Um. Can we go to my room?" Saeran asked. God. He couldn't keep looking at Yoosung. He was smiling so brightly it was painful. He could swear he saw Yoosung blush at his words but... He was probably seeing things.

Yoosung nodded in reply and Saeran led the way to his room, not glancing back to see if Yoosung was following him. Two minutes to midnight. Saeran had to be quick. He opened the door to his room, walking inside and glancing at his digital clock.

"Uh... Wait there." He instructed to Yoosung, going over to his bedside table, opening the drawer. He paused as he looked over at the laptop... He would talk about this tomorrow, he was tired. Saeran took a deep breath and pulled out the small wrapped box. He didn't dare to sign it. Why would he need to? He was giving it in person. He looked back to the digital clock.

One minute.

Perfect.

Saeran turned back to Yoosung, present hidden behind his back.

"So... I just..." Saeran began, getting Yoosung's attention from staring at a photo Saeran had on his dresser of the sky, "I wanted to say... Thank you." Saeran got out. "I guess." He added on, trying to remain as emotionless as possible.

30 seconds.

"So um... I was told to not bother about getting anything for anyone for Christmas but I did." Saeran explained as he pulled the box from behind his back.

Yoosung stared at the box, eyes wide, before looking up at Saeran, "Saeran, what...?" Yoosung trailed off.

Three

Two

One

"Merry Christmas." Saeran muttered out at the clock struck twelve, holding the box out to Yoosung, feeling his face heat up. God. This was probably an awful idea. Why did he do this?

Yoosung looked between Saeran and the present before gingerly taking the present from Saeran's hand, fingers brushing against each other. Saeran definately did not feel shivers at the contact. Yoosung looked at the box before back up to Saeran.

"Um... Can I open it now?" He asked quietly. Saeran nodded. He watched as Yoosung gently tore at the tape seams on the wrapling paper. Huh. Saeran would've guessed that Yoosung was the type to tear into wrapping paper. Once the paper was off, Yoosung took a look at the box. It was simple. Just the brand name. Yoosung stared at it before looking up at Saeran, "Saeran this is a really expensive brand?" He sounded confused. Saeran shrugged. He had the money, to most peoples disbelief. Yoosung chuckled before gently opening the box.

He gasped lightly and Saeran looked back down at him to gauge his reaction. It wasn't that good. It was just the charm bracelet. Oh, right he had the gift card for LOLOL under the padding in the jewlery box too. He almost forgot. Yoosung looked up at Saeran with a huge smile on his face.

"I love it." He spoke honestly, pulling out the bracelet and inspecting it more. The bracelet was attatched by string-like wires, the colors turning into a gradent of blues, pinks, and yellows as it went around. A lone metal star was put in the middle of the bracelet. "Can you help me put it on..?" Yoosung asked sheepishly. Saeran blinked before he nodded with a small smile. He took the two ends of the bracelet, unclipping the latch and putting it onto the blond's wrist, cliping it back together. Yoosung stared at it more. He looked back up at Saeran and that was when Saeran realized how close they were.

"Saeran, I-" Yoosung started, breath almost ghosting over Saeran's lips before Saeran was snapped back into reality, and stepped back.

"Um.. It's okay. If you didn't get me anything." Saeran spoke, rubbing the back of his head. He saw Yoosung look down at the bracelet again before continuing, "and it's pretty late. You should get back home. Soon. Before you're too tired to move." Saeran added on hastily. God damnit he needed Yoosung to leave now or else he wasn't going to be able to keep his emotions inside.

Yoosung looked back to Saeran and furrowed his brows, "but I would just feel bad if I didn't get you anything!" He whined, "and besides... I... I lime being around you." He added on softly with a small smile, reaching his hand out to gently grab Saerans.

Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.

Saeran looked down at their hands. Yoosung's hand was so much smaller than his but it seemed to fit perfectly.

Nope. He needed Yoosung gone now.

Saeran squeezed his hand slightly, a reassurance for Yoosung, before letting go of his hand, "well... I'm tired. I'm sure you're tired." Saeran replied as he walked around Yoosung towards his door. Gahhhhhh he was fucking this up so badly. He didn't want this. He looked back to see Yoosung staring at him, "well. Come on." Saeran teased lightly, "I'm sure Saeyoung is giving rides home now."

That got Yoosung in action.

Yoosung followed Saeran out of the door, walking back towards the living room.

Saeran was right. Saeyoung was grabbing his jacket from their coat rack as Zen leaned against him sleepily, not caring that he was practically about to fall asleep on Saeyoung's shoulder. Yoosung sped over to grab his jacket as well.

"Alrighty! Saeran, I'll be back once I drop off these party animals at their places~" Saeyoung called to Saeran as he punched in the keys to open the bunker door. Saeran only nodded in reply as he watched them.

Yoosung glanced over towards Saeyoung before going back over to Saeran. "Thank you, Saeran." He smiled up at him. Saeran flushed in embarrassment as he nodded slightly. "Can I hug you?" Yoosung asked.

Saeran felt like it was their first time meeting again. Yoosung was looking at him with his eyes full of happiness and wonder, completely open with his arms out to his side. His hair slightly askew from the activities of the night. Only this time, Saeran didn't agree just to make sure he didn't hurt Yoosung. He genuinely wanted to hug him.

"Okay." Saeran said quietly, opening his arms for a hug. He felt Yoosung's arms wrap around him, and he wrapped his own arms around him back. Not just stand there like he had done the first time they had hugged. A lot had changed.

Yoosung pulled back soon after, walking back towards the bunker door as it opened, waving towards Saeran with a hopeful look in his eye, before disappearing into the night.

Saeran closed the door behind the three, making sure everything was locked. He knew Saeyoung could make it back in. Saeran spared a glance to MC on the couch, passed out... He should just leave her. It wasn't his place to play a doting husband. That was his brother. Assuming when they even got married.

Saeran sighed and ran a hand through his hair as he looked around the bunker. It was a mess. A huge mess. One he did not want to deal with until he had at least six hours of sleep in him. He picked up his phone from the coffee table as he passed by it, heading back to his room for a night of sleep. He needed it. So badly.

Saeran took one last look at everything before entering his room, letting his loud thoughts leave his body as he laid down and finally fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was not beta read so please forgive any mistakes/errors! Creative criticism and writing tips are always appreciated!


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